You may have heard the expressions “nice guys finish last” and “nice guys sleep alone.” Despite all the girls out there who say they’re looking for a “nice guy”, sometimes it feels like “bad boys” have all the fun.
So why do girls like “bad boys”? And do you really need to be a jerk to attract beautiful girls? Or could the real truth be that “nice guys finish first”? Well, it’s complicated, but here’s how I see it:
- Manipulative “nice guys” always finish last.
- Genuine “nice guys” finish last in one night stands and brief affairs.
- Genuine “nice guys” finish first in the long term relationships.
- Genuine “nice guys” who adopt some “bad boy” traits will always finish first.
Let me explain…
There Are Two Types of Nice Guys: Genuine and Manipulative
Much of the confusion about whether “nice guys” finish first or last comes from conflicting views about what it means to be a “nice guy”. While genuine “nice guys” act considerately, manipulative “nice guys” have selfish motives.
- Guys tend to take a favorable view of “nice guys”, believing that a typical “nice guy” is someone who puts the needs of others before his own. A “nice guy” avoids confrontations, does favors, gives emotional support and generally acts considerately towards women. For the most part a “nice guy” has friendly, yet unassertive personality traits.
- Some women take an unfavorable view of “nice guys”, arguing that self-proclaimed “nice guys” are only motivated by manipulating women into a relationship and/or sex. They view “nice guys” as insecure men unwilling to articulate their romantic or sexual feelings directly. Instead, the “nice guys” present themselves as a woman’s friend and a shoulder to cry on in the hopes of being sexually rewarded for their “niceness”. When the friendship doesn’t progress into a romantic relationship, the “nice guy” becomes resentful and feels used.
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Are You Suffering From “Nice Guy Syndrome”?
“Nice guy syndrome” is a fancy term used to describe this manipulative “nice guy” who acts with selfish motives. These guys falsely believe that if you put in enough friendship tokens, you pull the lever and sex comes out.
Some people go as far as to say that the self-proclaimed “nice guy” is, in fact, angry and emotionally demanding. This is because of his insecurity, and a sense of injustice and frustration as his desires go unfulfilled, while the “bad boys” get the girls.
Hopefully this doesn’t describe your situation, because this kind of “nice guy” always finishes last. If this does sound like you, you need to take a long, honest look at yourself, and stop blaming others for your problems. If you believe that the world is not fair to “nice guys”, you need to rid yourself of your victim mentality or you’ll never be successful with women.
Take This “Nice Guy Syndrome” Test
Before you write off “nice guy syndrome”, clinging to the belief that you’re a genuine “nice guy” with no hidden agenda, take this test:
Are you as pleasant to a woman you consider physically unattractive compared to the women you normally drool over?
If not, could it be that being nice is your hopeful strategy to somehow hook up with her? Despite your “nice guy” persona, in this scenario your motives are no better than anyone else’s (even those “bad boys” you despise).
Why Do Girls Say They Want a Nice Guy, But Then Sleep With Bad Boys?
Guys sometimes accuse girls of hypocrisy because girls say they want a “nice guy”, but sleep with “bad boys”. It seems that girls enjoy having “nice guy” friends who will listen to her complaints about her boyfriend and be emotionally supportive.
The problem is that while you secretly fancy this girl and are patiently waiting for her to realize that you are a better man, she appreciates you as a friend, but is unlikely to see romantic potential in you.
There are a number of reasons for this. One possibility is that she doesn’t trust your motives and thinks you might be a “nice guy” of the manipulative kind. Another big issue is that even genuine “nice guys” often fail to demonstrate vital traits of attraction that women look for in a man, namely, confidence and status.
“Nice guys” often either lack the confidence to man up and be clear about their desires, or they lower their status by showing too much interest. Putting a girl on a pedestal and singing her praises will only lower your status in her eyes.
That’s why beautiful girls seem to enjoy the “challenge” that comes with dating a “bad boy”. These “bad boys” have the confidence to make their desires clear, yet don’t lower their own status by idolizing girls.
Women are attracted to masculinity, which embodies strength and power. Being too nice is synonymous with having no power. “Bad boys” often appeal to women on a visceral level that only evolution can logically explain: “Survival of the fittest” = female attraction to tough, ruthless men.
If a guy is a typical jerk, women seem to think that the guy’s very “jerkiness” is proof of his sexiness. After all, the “bad boy” is so “un-needy” that he doesn’t even try to impress her, so her logic says that he must be so desirable that he doesn’t need to try!
The Nice Guy Plays It Too Safe
The “nice guy’s” biggest sin is that he plays it too safe. He’s afraid of offending her so he doesn’t challenge her, he agrees with her opinions, complies with her wishes and he’s apologetic. He is unwilling to stick his neck out and take risks in case he makes a bad impression.
When it comes to attraction, there is only one thing worse than making a bad impression, and that’s not making an impression at all. In his exaggerated attempt to make a good impression, the “nice guy” comes across as bland, forgettable and replaceable.
What the “nice guy” doesn’t realize is that a woman will forgive a man for being controversial and polarizing, but not for being boring. Controversial people like the typical “bad boy” may not always make the best impression, but they’re never bland and always memorable.
The result is that when it comes to brief affairs and one night stands, women tend to prefer a dominating and promiscuous “bad boy” over a comparatively boring and confidence lacking “nice guy”.
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Nice Guys For The Long Haul
For genuine “nice guys” it’s not all bad news. Most girls eventually see the “bad boy” for who he really is. Remember that girls don’t intentionally go out looking to date jerks, they just seemed like the more challenging and attractive option at the time. (That said, I don’t advise waiting around for the object of your desires to see the light.)
Ironically, while girls are sexually attracted to dominance in men, dominance does not necessarily make men likable to women. Some studies show that there is a greater chance of a women wanting a second date with a likable “nice guy” than with a sexy “bad boy”.
So while girls like “bad boys” for flings, “nice guys” win out when it comes to long-term relationships. The “nice guy” who is in touch with his feelings, and who is willing to put his partner’s pleasure first makes first-class dating material. So while “bad boys” outperform “nice guys” in terms of numbers of sexual partners, “nice guys” tend to be more successful with respect to longer-term, committed relationships.
Unfortunately, I suspect that one reason these relationships last is because some “nice guys” are so relieved to have a girlfriend, that they lower their standards and make excessive compromises in order to make the relationship work. I’m sure that many genuine “nice guys” could attract a higher quality partner by taking a few lessons from the “bad boys”.
Nice Guys Want Raunchy Flings Too!
So how do “nice guys” avoid being strung along waiting for a woman to come to her senses, only to be dropped again when the next jerk comes along? “Nice guys” want steamy sex too, so how can a genuine “nice guy” be more sexy to women, and attract more sexual partners?
The good news is that you don’t have to be a jerk. Women don’t really want a bad person, they just want a masculine man. And it’s harder for women to find “nice guys” who are masculine than it is to find “bad boys”, who are almost always masculine.
Focus on what the “bad boys” are doing right. Women don’t want a man who gets on his hands and knees for them. So no more kissing up, compliments, or doing favors to get a woman’s approval.
For example, if you hardly know a women don’t tell her that you love her, or even that she is beautiful. Most “nice guys” comment on a woman’s beauty way too soon, which only makes you look inferior and unoriginal. Also, don’t go showering her with gifts or spending lots of money on her.
Common ways to show you are not under her thumb are not smiling as much, not giving her your ultra-focused attention, playfully teasing her and above all letting her know that she must pass YOUR standards.
You must learn to take charge and be more confident, calm and cool. This will make you appear in demand by other women, which will make you more attractive to the women you desire.
You can do all these things without crossing the line into being abusive, and women will love you even more than they love the jerks. Niceness itself is desirable to women, but tends to be used by men who are less attractive in other domains, and this is what creates the appearance that “nice guys finish last”. On the other hand, “nice guys” who are willing to learn from “bad boys”, particularly in the beginning stages of a relationship, will always “finish first”.
Remember that the past does not equal the future. Change your present behavior and gorgeous, bodacious, tantalizing women will be part of your future.