Talk to anyone about getting better with girls and the word confidence gets thrown around very quickly. Confidence is believing you’re capable and worthy of success.
Confidence is a self-fulfilling prophecy because as Henry Ford said, “If you think you can, or if you think you can’t, either way, you’re right.”
It’s no secret that women love confident men and confidence helps you live a happier and more fulfilling life. If you feel nervous or insecure around women, then start building your confidence today with these powerful confidence boosting tips for shy men.
Index of Confidence Building Tips
- Banish Limiting Beliefs
- Understand Why Shyness is a Problem
- Stop Worrying What People Think
- Look Your Best to Feel Your Best
- Adopt Confident Body Language
- Pause, Your Way to a Sexy Voice
- Make Strong Eye Contact
- Smile Because It’s Contagious
- Engage Her With Facial Expressions
- Treat Your Body Like Your Temple
- Drink a lot… of Water
- Pursue Passions, Interests and Hobbies
- Understand What Women Want
- Be (the Best Version of) Yourself
- Stop Playing the Victim
- Demonstrate Leadership Qualities
- Beware of Rose-Colored Glasses
- Break the Spell of Beauty
- Polarize to Attract (No More Mr. Nice Guy)
- Boost Your Self-Esteem With Affirmations
- Listen to Uplifting Music
- Talk to Strangers
- Don’t “Open to Close”
- Don’t Sell Yourself Short
- Embrace Rejection
- Reduce Anxiety to Excitement
- Find Positive Role Models
- Choose a Positive Attitude
- Practice Gratitude Daily
- Be One of the Regulars
- Live in the Present for a Brighter Future
- Be Courageous!
- Take Action (Avoid Analysis Paralysis)
- Set Incremental Goals
Banish Limiting Beliefs
Success will be within your reach only when you start reaching out for it. — Stephen Richards
A lot of guys have misconceptions about confidence that result in limiting beliefs about the level of success they’re capable of achieving with women. So let’s start by setting the record straight with the truth about confidence with women.
1) You don’t need to be rich or good-looking to be confident
Don’t fool yourself into thinking that confidence with women is about fame, money, power or good looks. Sure, these things are a bonus because they can make you feel good about yourself, but they are not strictly required, nor do they guarantee confidence.
We’ve all seen ugly men with beautiful women and perhaps you even know a few good-looking guys who lack confidence. It’s naive to think that when you finally get that promotion and raise, or lose those extra pounds you’re carrying around the waist that you’ll suddenly become irresistible to women.
Postponing your pursuit of women until you’ve reached other career or personal goals is a bad idea because you could literally waste a lifetime doing it — and in fact, many guys do.
The truth is that your success with women is like any other area of your life, if you don’t practice, you get worse. The only way to improve your confidence with women is to approach and talk to more women!
Just think about the success that the average bartender enjoys with women. It’s not because he is high status or especially well paid, it’s simply because he’s comfortable in his environment and his work enables him to meet girls easily, so he gets plenty of practice with them.
2) Confidence is not something you’re “either born with, or you’re not”
Don’t make the common mistake of believing that you’re either born with the confidence gene or you’re not. There is no confidence gene. It’s not a case of either you’ve got it or you haven’t. Even if you’re naturally introverted you can nurture your shy nature and grow in confidence.
We were all born into this world believing we are the center of it and without insecurities about ourselves or our naked bodies. We also never let failure stop us from learning new skills. Instead, we accepted failure as a necessary part of the learning process.
It’s only when we start worrying what other people think of us that we cripple ourselves with insecurity. We start judging ourselves based on other people’s reactions to us, rather than on our own opinion of ourselves.
Instead of thinking of confidence as a personality trait that you either have or you don’t have, think of it as a state that we all have the ability to get into. We’ve all experienced confidence in at least one area of our lives, so we know what it feels like.
The trick is to learn to evoke and maintain a confident state in ourselves around women. Then as you gain more experience, your skills with women will increase and confidence will come more naturally to you.
The “you are born confident” myth fails to take into account that confidence is situational. I’m sure you’ve noticed that your confidence levels differ depending on what you’re doing, who you’re doing it for and your experience and knowledge at whatever you’re doing.
The more competent you are at an activity, the more confident you feel. It’s ridiculous to suggest that either you’re confident or you’re not based on your genes or the personality you were born with. Even if you’re a social coward, you can grow in confidence.
3) You don’t have to banish self-doubt completely
It’s quite normal to have a small degree of self-doubt — it’s what makes us human. In fact, self-doubt can be healthy in small doses because it helps prevent complacency and arrogance.
You’d be surprised how many seemingly successful and outwardly confident people still wrestle with self-doubt. Self-confidence is not the absence of doubt. It’s being able to live with your doubt as your companion, but not as your master.
We could all benefit from a small increase in self-confidence. A 10 percent boost in confidence can make a huge difference to your life over time. It may be enough of a boost for you to interview for a better job or ask a attractive girl out on a date.
While confidence won’t make you immune to setbacks and challenges, it will help you to seize opportunities, fulfill your potential and live a happier life. It’s unrealistic to think you can banish self-doubt completely, but you can reduce it to a point that it motivates you to improve and take action.
4) You don’t have to adopt some phony persona
Some guys think that you have to fake it or adopt some phony persona to attract beautiful women, but the fact is that different women find different types of men attractive. For lasting confidence with women, it’s important that you present yourself in a way that’s congruent with your personality and lifestyle.
So dress in a style that portrays your personality in the best light, whether it be business like, sophisticated, trendy, vintage, bohemian, sporty, edgy, rocker or whatever else. You won’t do yourself any favors by imitating people who have different tastes and interests.
And don’t worry, you don’t have to memorize hundreds of cheesy pick up lines or phony routines to be successful with women. Remember, it’s not about trying to be someone you’re not, but rather about striving to be the best version of yourself.
Understand Why Shyness is a Problem
Once bitten twice shy? Sure, but… why not get a bigger dog and bite them back? — A.A. Bell, Hindsight
Shyness is a fear of being judged and an over sensitivity to other people’s opinions. Shyness is a problem because fear and anxiety can hold you back from living the happy and fulfilling life that you deserve.
Of course there are different degrees of shyness. Some guys feel comfortable around other men, but turn to jelly when it comes to approaching a woman they find attractive. While other guys feel uncomfortable in all social settings, doing their best to avoid them.
If you’re shy, then you know what it’s like to worry about getting tongue tied, or blurting out something stupid. You may also experience some of these physiological symptoms while in the company of others: racing heartbeat, sweaty hands, shaking voice, blushing cheeks, trembling or a sick feeling in your stomach.
If you actively avoid social settings, it’s important to be honest about your motivation for spending time alone. Is it because you honestly prefer your own company, or is it based on a fear of not meeting other people’s expectations, being ridiculed or finding yourself in embarrassing situations?
Like with any other fear, the best way to overcome shyness is to tackle it head on. Yes, this means forcing yourself to do the exact things that make you nervous in order to desensitize yourself. It’s like with anything in life, the more you practice, the more competent and confident you become.
If you’re afraid to approach women, then that’s exactly what you need to do to desensitize yourself. I know what you’re thinking. There is just one problem. How do you make those first few approaches so it starts to become easier?
I’m glad you asked because that’s exactly what you’re about to learn. I’m about to share practical tips to help you increase your confidence and overcome your fear of approaching women.
Stop Worrying What People Think
Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. — Bernard M. Baruch
It’s sad how many guys are paralyzed into inaction because they worry too much about what other people think. They’re too scared to speak their mind or act on their desires so they end up robbing themselves of opportunities for growth and happiness.
The irony of it is that most people are far to preoccupied with their own lives to worry about your quirks and idiosyncrasies. You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.
So the fear that your flaws are constantly being scrutinized is unfounded. What people do notice is low self-esteem and it’s usually when you’re self-conscious that you draw negative attention to yourself.
How many opportunities have you missed because you were crippled by insecurity and gave other people’s opinions more value than your own? How many women have you let slip away because you were worried about what people would think if you took a chance and approached?
Real confidence means worrying less about other people’s perception of you than in your perception of yourself. It means being proud of who you are and not allowing yourself to be held back by what other people think. Your opinion of yourself is the only opinion that matters!
If you chicken out of approaching an attractive girl because you’re worried what people will think, ask yourself this: The next day when you’re kicking yourself for having wasted your chance with her, are you going to even remember the other people in the room, let alone care what they think?
If you’re a shy guy and need help to overcome your fear of what other people think, I highly recommend you check out Sean Cooper’s life-changing book on how to overcome shyness.
Free Yourself from a Painful Past
Self-pity is the most destructive of all narcotics. ― Sebastian Horsley
Not everyone gets off on the right foot in life. As a child did it seem that nothing you ever did was good enough? Were you ostracized, discouraged or misunderstood?
When we’re young, we’re quick to believe the things that people say about us, whether they are true or not. If you family didn’t believe that you would amount to much, you probably believed them resulting in a low self-esteem and a poor self-image.
The good news is that you have a choice. You don’t have to be a hostage to your past. No matter how you were bought up, you can determine how you live your life now. You can use your upbringing as an excuse or you can use it as an incentive. It’s up to you.
Instead of blaming your upbringing for the failures in your life, choose to make a painful family history one extra reason to succeed. Prove them wrong by making something of yourself.
It’s tempting to blame others for your shortcomings because it frees you from the responsibility of taking charge of your life. It’s like saying, “See, it’s not my fault.” The problem with casting blame is that it makes you a passenger in your own life and allows circumstances and other people to determine your direction.
This kind of victim mentality is addictive because it can get you attention and sympathy. However, it’s important to recognize that it holds you back from reaching your potential. If you’re too busy feeling sorry for yourself, you’ll miss out on opportunities, you’ll stagnate and risk feeling regret for what might have been.
You can’t change what people have done to you in the past, but you can take back your life now. You are not always responsible for what happens to you, but you are always responsible for how you choose to respond. If you find yourself dredging up painful childhood memories remind yourself, “That was then, and this is now. And now I take responsibility for my life.”
Look Your Best to Feel Your Best
You cannot climb the ladder of success, dressed in the costume of failure. — Zig Ziglar
It takes guts to cold approach a beautiful woman and it’s especially tough when you’re not looking and feeling your best. If you’re not looking as good as you could, you’re more likely to chicken out when an unexpected opportunity arises to start a conversation with a woman.
On the other hand, when you know that you’re looking your best, not only will you feel more confident (especially when you start noticing admiring glances from the ladies), but you’ll also have one less excuse for not taking action.
Shakespeare wasn’t far off the mark when he said clothes maketh the man. Studies show that a man’s style is extremely important when it comes to female attraction because dressing well is a sign of status and social intelligence.
Good personal grooming standards and a fashionable wardrobe can literally double your success with women overnight and you can imagine what effect that will have on your confidence!
For more tips on how to look your best, check out this post about style and grooming tips for men so you’re always looking sharp and well trimmed.
Adopt Confident Body Language
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said. — Peter F. Drucker
Believe it or not, your body language, appearance and tone of voice each have a bigger impact on the impression you make than what you say. So what does your body language communicate to women?
Studies show that good posture and body language not only affects how others perceive us, but also our own confidence levels. We all know that sitting and standing up straight makes a good impression on others, but did you know that it also increases your own belief in what you’re saying?
In the same way if your arms are crossed when speaking to someone you’ll naturally become more defensive, but if you drop your arms to your side, you will feel yourself becoming more open and friendly.
So, now you have more reason than ever to walk with a confident swagger, with your shoulders back, head up and chest out. Also make an effort to keep your movements slow, controlled and deliberate without fidgeting.
Small improvements in your body language can have a really big impact in the way other people perceive you. For quick and easy tips on body language that will make women notice you, check out my post about strong body language.
Pause, Your Way to a Sexy Voice
Guys overlook the fact that your tonality, or the sound of your voice, is more important in making a great impression than what you actually say. If you talk in a high-pitched nasal whine, women won’t be attracted to you and your confidence will take a knock.
Nervous people tend to speak too quickly at the expense of good pronunciation. So don’t be afraid to slow down your speech and allow for pauses. Also increasing your volume is a great way to hide nerves and sound more confident.
Before speaking, take a deep breath into your diaphragm to give yourself a chance to assemble your thoughts, moderate your pitch and speed and appear in control. Taking a breath helps you to relax and it fills your lungs with air so you can talk without losing your breath if you are nervous.
For more detailed advice on improving your the quality of your voice, check out this post about attracting women with your voice.
Make Strong Eye Contact
The eyes are the window to the soul.
Eye contact helps to create connections between people and can promote feelings of comfort and attraction. Looking people in the eye shows that you’re confident and makes you appear more trustworthy, while darting eyes give the impression of insecurity.
To help ensure that your eye contact feels natural you can glance down at her mouth every so often, then back to her eyes. You can also take in your surroundings from time to time, before returning your focus to her eyes.
If you’re not used to making eye contact, you can practice by looking at the bridge of your conversation partner’s nose. Also, if you feel the need to break eye contact for a few seconds, it’s better to break it sideways than to break it by casting your eyes down.
Research shows that to build good rapport with someone, your gaze should meet theirs between 60 and 70 percent of the time during conversation. Remember that there is a difference between strong eye contact and staring someone down.
If you’re walking down the street and see an attractive woman in the distance walking towards you, don’t lock on her eyes too soon or she’ll feel uneasy as she walks towards you. It’s better to wait until she’s a few steps away from you before looking her in the eyes with a slight smile.
Learn to confidently express interest in a woman by holding her gaze until she looks away. This usually only takes a few seconds. If she looks back at you within 45 seconds, there is a very good chance that she likes you and would be open to your approach. Of course if she holds eye contact with you and smiles, it’s an open invitation to approach her.
If you have a hard time knowing when a girl is interested in you, this post will clue you in to telltale signs a girl likes you.
Smile Because It’s Contagious
A smile is the light in your window that tells others that there is a caring, sharing person inside. — Denis Waitley.
A genuine, heartfelt smile is one of the most simple and effective things we can do to make a great first impression. It makes people feel good about themselves and makes you appear more friendly and approachable. Smiling makes you look confident and shows that you’re not letting life get the better of you.
Smiling is contagious and directly influences other people’s attitudes and how they respond to you. It’s hard to dislike someone who smiles at you. Smiling not only makes you look more attractive, but it can make you sound more attractive too. Have you noticed how even on the phone you can hear when someone is smiling?
Giving a woman a friendly smile as you pass on the street usually results in one of two reactions: a return smile, or an avoidance of eye contact. If a woman doesn’t return your smile, don’t take it personally because there could be so many reasons for this that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
When it comes to looks, women are more forgiving than men, but they do notice and appreciate good dental hygiene. A bright smile is very youthful and can go a long way to boost your confidence, so visit the hygienist every six months and make sure you brush and floss regularly.
Engage Her With Facial Expressions
Not using facial expressions when you talk is like typing ‘LOL’ when your face has less expression than a brick.
A lot of guys don’t change their facial expressions enough to emphasize the things they’re saying. Using your facial expressions shows confidence and let’s the other person know that you’re enjoying their company and engaged in the conversation.
Women use facial expressions a lot when talking to female friends. In fact, some women seem to be able to have whole conversations just by using facial expressions! So by showing more expression in your face, you can quickly create a more fun and familiar atmosphere with a woman.
Actors are masters of using facial expression to convey what they’re thinking and add emotion to the words they say. By doing the same, you can make yourself stand out as being a more interesting conversation partner. Pay attention to facial expressions the next time you turn on the television and learn how it’s done from the masters.
Like with everything it’s important to find the right balance, without overdoing it. Practice being expressive in a way that’s natural and it’ll make a big difference to how others perceive you and to your confidence.
Here’s another helpful tip: When you’re tired, your face will start to look serious, making you seem less friendly. One way to counteract this and brighten up your face is to raise your eyebrows slightly and give yourself a close-to-smiling expression. This will make you look more friendly and self-assured.
Treat Your Body Like Your Temple
Those who think they have no time for exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness. — Edward Stanley
Not only is physical fitness attractive to women and a sign of self-respect, but working out is great for your metabolism, energy levels, muscular strength, weight loss, stress reduction, concentration, immune system, lung capacity, posture, confidence and so much more.
Whether you’re looking to lose weight, gain weight, or simply tone up, excellent nutrition and weight training are the way to go. Focus on compound exercises that stimulate multiple muscle groups at the same time. For example: bench press, push ups, back row, pull ups, dips, squats, dead lifts and leg press.
The endorphin rush after a good workout is calming and mood enhancing, setting you up for a great day. This light sense of euphoria is very similar to the feeling of confidence and can last for hours.
Also, if you look good you’re going to feel more confident. People pick up on this and treat you better, which serves to reinforce your positive self image.
I’m personally a big fan of working out with kettlebells and I’ve had great results with Ryan Shanahan’s Kettleworx Program. I also enjoy the body weight exercises described in Mark Lauren’s book You Are Your Own Gym.
Improving your nutrition goes hand in hand with exercise. When it comes to nutrition, its “garbage in garbage out.” If you eat poorly you will always feel run down.
Fried foods, excess salt and sugar, and not enough fruits and vegetables will sap your energy and ultimately lead to health and weight problems, which won’t do your confidence any favors.
Drink a lot… of Water
You’re probably wondering what drinking water has to do with confidence. Drinking water has so many benefits including improved: metabolism, detoxification, complexion, concentration, energy levels and mood.
Don’t you think you’d feel better about yourself with a trimmer waistline, a clearer skin, improved muscle tone, higher energy levels and excellent health? Don’t underestimate the positive effect that good hydration can have on your confidence.
It only takes a loss of 1–2% of your body’s ideal water content to cause dehydration. Your body’s reaction to dehydration is to retain the water it does have. This in turn hampers kidney function and waste products accumulate.
Your liver is then called upon to flush out the impurities. As a result the liver’s effectiveness at metabolizing fat into energy is minimized, leading to weight gain and as well as illness and disease.
Water is the simplest, least expensive, most powerful and longest lasting key to long term fat reduction and improved health, so what is your excuse for not drinking 2 liters of water a day?
- If you don’t like the taste of plain ol’ water or you find it too boring, try spicing it up with mint leaves or a few slices of lemon.
- If you don’t drink enough water because you want to avoid the inconvenience of having to pee more often, remember that each time you do, you are ridding your body of unwanted waste, fat and toxins.
- If it’s simply a case of not being thirsty, remember that people often mistake thirst for hunger and by the time you are thirsty your body is already dehydrated.
Drink your way to improved health with these 4 tips:
- Leave a glass in the bathroom and make a commitment to start every day with a big glass of water. Make it the very first thing you do after getting out of bed and using the toilet.
- Always carry a bottle of water with you that you can refill and take regular sips from throughout the day. Aim to drink at least 2 liters of pure water a day and more if you’re engaged in sweaty activities.
- At the same time, cut down on dehydrating tea and coffee. Try replacing these with herbal teas and if you need to, you can sweeten these with a little honey.
- Another great idea is to invest in a juicer and replace sugary fizzy drinks with fresh, nutritious and vitamin packed juices. This is a simple and tasty way to turbo charge your health and energy levels.
Pursue Passions, Interests and Hobbies
I do the things I like to do. It’s sort of a bigger version of having more than one hobby. — Harry Connick, Jr
If you’re not a natural extrovert, bars and nightclubs might not be the best places to meet women. The best place for you to meet women depends on your own interests and what qualities you value most in women. Learning new skills or developing existing ones is a great way to build confidence and meet people at the same time.
You’re more likely to be compatible with women who share similar hobbies and passions. So ask yourself what events or organizations you could become involved in to explore your hobbies, expand your social circle and meet women at the same time.
Competence leads to confidence. Yet many of us get so caught up in our day to day lives that we don’t make time for the activities that give us opportunity to excel and provide tangible evidence of our talents. Are you neglecting your talents? Are there activities that you used to enjoy that you no longer make time for?
Whether it be singing, drawing, playing an instrument, basketball, mountain biking or taekwondo. If you don’t use your talents, you’ll lose confidence without frequent proof of what you’re capable of.
If you don’t know what your passions and interests are, then take some time to write down some of the things you’ve always wanted to do, but either never had the time or worked up the nerve to do. Then commit to get involved in these activities.
You can’t expect to attract a high quality girlfriend if your hobbies only consist of watching TV, surfing the internet and playing the PlayStation. Enrolling in a special interest course is a great way to learn new skills and a great excuse to get out of the house to meet new people.
Classes that tend to be popular with women include learning a foreign language, salsa dancing, acting or improv theatre, art and yoga classes. Also, don’t forget to check your local college or community center for interesting talks, concerts, theatre and other events you can attend. You never know who you might meet during the intervals, or you could even invite someone along on a date.
Volunteering for a local charity is another great way to meet people that can have a profound effect on your self-esteem. Nothing is quite as fulfilling as feeling like a contributing member of society and knowing that you’re making a positive difference to the world.
By pursuing your interests, developing your skills and opening yourself to new experiences you’ll naturally become a more interesting person and put yourself in a position to meet like minded people with similar values to your own. For more tips, check out this related post on the best places to meet women.
Understand What Women Want
If you know what women want, you can rule!
If you’re confused about what women want in a man, you’re not alone. One difficulty is that a woman expects a man to know intuitively what she wants without being told. Also, with so many differences between men and women, it’s not surprising that many men are left confused and frustrated trying to understand what women really want.
For many men this confusion results in a lack of confidence around women. So let’s run though a typical woman’s “shopping list” when it comes to finding the ideal partner, so you can keep these at the back of your mind and ensure you tick as many boxes as possible.
Firstly, women are unable to avoid some level of attraction to a man who appears capable of fathering children and providing her with protection and security. This is why women like a man to have a decent job, be stable under pressure, and be physically healthy and strong.
In the name of equality the differences between men and women are often suppressed, but it doesn’t mean the differences don’t exist. Women still want a masculine man. This means demonstrating your ability to lead, make decisions and be assertive. It also means being responsible, self-reliant and a man of action.
Also remember that women thrive on emotional connection and want a man with whom they can share “quality time.” While a secure job and your own set of interests are important, making time for her is at the top of her wish list.
She wants to feel included in your life, which means arranging fun activities together, talking about each other’s day and generally “opening up” to her, which includes talking about the relationship and your feelings!
And that’s not all. Women also love feeling valued and appreciated. They have insecurities just like men do, and enjoy being complimented with sincere praise. A woman wants a man who can make her feel special by noticing her positive attributes and praising her on a job well done.
Be (the Best Version of) Yourself
Some of the most frustrating dating advice is precisely the suggestion most friends and family offer, “be yourself and the rest will come naturally.” Why is it so difficult to be yourself around beautiful women and what exactly does this popular dating advice mean?
It’s important to point out that if you’re nervous around women it’s not entirely your fault. Society assumes that dating is a natural process that we should get right without guidance. However, the reality is that dating behaviors are complex social skills that must be learned.
When it comes down to it though, the advice to “be yourself” assumes the best in people. It means putting your best foot forward and emphasizing your positive attributes. It means that you should aspire to be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.
If being yourself means sitting at home and feeling depressed, then you’ll need to develop positive character traits that will help you to become a better version of yourself. When you are friendly, positive, sincere, honest and interested, the world and the beautiful women in it, will more likely smile upon you.
In this way the advice to “be yourself” really means to be upbeat about your life, see the glass as half full, have a laugh and don’t take yourself too seriously. It also means have the confidence to express your opinions and mean what you say.
I know it’s easier said than done, but the more energy you dedicate to learning dating skills like how to approach and flirt with women, the easier it becomes to relax and put your best foot forward.
Want to know more? Then check out this post about being yourself around women.
Stop Playing the Victim
If you want to know who is most responsible for where you are in life, take a look in the mirror.
In an effort to avoid pain, failure and rejection we’re quick to find fault with others and rationalize our shortcomings, but slow in accepting the blame when things don’t go according to plan.
It’s amazing how many people believe that their current circumstances in life have nothing to do with decisions they have made, actions they have taken and attitudes they have adopted.
It’s all too easy to make sweeping generalizations to brush off responsibility for your failures. It’s common for men to fall back on stereotypes about women as an excuse for their lack of success with them.
For example a guy might say, “all the girls in my town are fickle, shallow and pretentious” or “all the girls in this club are stuck-up bitches.” Generalizations like these are unhelpful because they blind you to opportunities. Granted some girls might be stuck-up, but others might be fun, interesting and down to earth.
The problem is that if you’re always blaming other people or society for your problems, then you’re powerless to enact positive change in your life. You’ll fail to fulfill your potential and you’ll stagnate rather than grow.
If a woman rejects you, ask yourself what you could have done better and strive to do those things better next time. The point is that while you can’t always control what happens to you, you can control how you choose to respond to it. Don’t allow events or circumstances to define your identity.
Accept responsibility for your life and avoid falling into the trap of blaming, complaining and resenting. If you’re constantly blaming others, you’re not learning. And if you’re not learning, then you’re not improving. And if you’re not improving, then you’re stagnating.
Nobody likes to be around people who bitch, moan and whinge. Remember, change does not happen when circumstances improve; change happens when you decide to improve your circumstances.
Are you holding onto generalizations about women in order to protect your ego? Not all women are bitches and the world is not out to short-change you. Challenge yourself to look for the good in people and empower yourself by accepting that the only person who determines your success and failure is you!
Demonstrate Leadership Qualities
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women. — Groucho Marx
Most people have a hard time making decisions because they’re worried about being held accountable when things go wrong. So when you can step up and make decisions for a group, people will respect you for it. The more people respect you, the more authority and influence you gain. And the more influence you have, the more attractive and confident you’ll become.
Don’t always go with the flow allowing others to make decisions for you, instead make a conscious effort to have preferences and opinions about things and speak up in group situations.
Start by practicing decisiveness and leadership with your friends on small decisions, like where to grab lunch, and over time you’ll feel more comfortable handling decisions where the stakes are higher.
People who have little in the way of an opinion will look to the person who is most certain to make decisions for them. So the more convinced you sound about your decision, the more persuasive you’ll be, and the more you’ll get your way.
Instead of asking if it’s okay, just assume that it will be. Say “I’m hungry. Let’s go grab some Sushi” or “I know a great Italian place just around the corner. Follow me.” Before long you’ll establish yourself as a natural leader. Women will notice this and become more attracted to you, giving your confidence a boost.
If you’re naturally introverted, you might feel intimidated by the thought of assuming a leadership role, but you’ll find it less intimidating if you think of leadership as the ability to organize. Start getting into the habit of being proactive about organizing and not leaving it to others.
For example, you only need one person in your group of friends to commit to an idea to start planning an event, and then simply invite others to join in on what you’re doing. As the organizer, you naturally assume a position of leadership.
Discover other traits that women find irresistible in men in this post about how to be more manly.
Beware of Rose-Colored Glasses
You have now reached infatuation’s final destination — the complete and merciless devaluation of self. — Elizabeth Gilbert from Eat Pray, Love
A common problem, that is especially common among shy guys, is a tendency to become romantically obsessed with “one special girl” often before you’ve really had a chance to get to know her.
Do you often find yourself fantasizing about a girl, imagining what it would be like to be in a relationship with her, before having spent any quality time with her? Perhaps after a short conversation with her you start reading into the things she said and did, and play out exaggerated fantasies in your head.
This kind of infatuation leads to a number of problems and ultimately reduces your confidence and sabotages any chances you might have had with her. Idolizing a girl puts her on a pedestal and places unnecessary pressure on yourself.
At your next opportunity to approach her or strike up conversation, chances are you’ll either be paralyzed by fear, or your high expectations with lead to anxiety and blow your chances with her. It’s extremely difficult to behave with easy going confidence around someone who you’re too emotionally invested in.
Remember, unless you’ve gotten to know someone over a longer period of time, you don’t know what they’re really like. Nobody is perfect, and this includes that beautiful girl you have running through your mind. Resist the temptation to be won over by looks alone.
Wearing rose-colored glasses will not only reduce your confidence around the girl you’re interested in, but can also blind you to other possibilities. Remember that their are 3.5 billion other women on this planet.
I don’t care how beautiful or “special” you think she is, there are plenty of other girls out there. The best way to stay confident and attract women is to have an abundance mentality and to avoid becoming too highly invested too quickly.
To learn more about overcoming the dangers of infatuation, check out this article about how to cure oneitis.
Break the Spell of Beauty
One of the main causes of shyness and a lack of confidence is a feeling of inferiority when comparing yourself with other people. If you don’t feel that you have the same value as the girl you’re attracted to, then you’ll inevitably feel shy or nervous around her.
Do you feel shy or nervous around overweight and unattractive girls? Probably not. I bet you’re more relaxed around them and find it much easier to be yourself. So why do you feel anxious around beautiful women? The reason is because you place too much value on looks, so the beautiful girl becomes intimidating to you.
Irrelevant of how beautiful a girl is, don’t allow yourself to fall for her before you get to know her. One way to break the spell that beautiful women cast on you is to get into the habit of asking yourself, “What else does she have to offer?”
Choosing to look past beauty for other attractive qualities will help to reduce your inferiority complex and you’ll be more inclined to make the approach to find out if her personality is as attractive as her looks.
If you have a hard time plucking up the courage to approach attractive girls, you might find it helpful to imagine them as being overweight and unattractive. Also remember to approach with the goal of finding out what she has to offer on a personal level.
You could also try an opener like this, “Hey, I couldn’t help noticing how beautiful you are, so I came over to find out if you’re friendly too.” This is a compliment for her, but it also sub-communicates that you’re a man of high value who is looking for a girl with more than good looks alone.
It’s counterproductive to put beautiful girls on a pedestal, not just because it makes you feel inferior and therefore anxious around them, but also because genuine high quality women get tired of being pursued based on their looks alone.
They’d much rather interact with a man with the self-value to look past the physical and get to know her on a personal level. Remember that women have a sixth sense at identifying inferiority and low self-value and they know when a man is only interested in them for their looks.
While diet, fitness, style, and grooming all play a part in how a person looks, being good looking has more to do with getting lucky with good genes than anything else. So ask yourself this, just because a lottery winner gets lucky, does it make them any way superior to you? Of course not!
Polarize to Attract (No More Mr. Nice Guy!)
When it comes to attraction, there is only one thing worse than making a bad impression, and that’s making no impression at all. In his exaggerated attempt to make a good impression, the “nice guy” comes across as needy, bland and forgettable and fails to meet the woman’s need for safety and security.
Do you sometimes have the feeling that the “bad boys” have all the fun? Why do so many beautiful women fall for jerks when they could have a nice guy who is considerate, loyal, gives emotional support, pays compliments, does favors and is non-confrontational?
There are many reasons for the plight of the nice guy. Unfortunately nice guys fail to demonstrate vital traits of attraction. They lack the confidence to man up and be clear about their desires and they lower their status by putting women on a pedestal and showing too much interest.
But perhaps the nice guy’s biggest sin is that he plays it too safe. He is afraid he might offend her, so he doesn’t challenge her, he agrees with her opinions, complies with her wishes and is apologetic. He is unwilling to stick his neck out and take risks in case he makes a bad impression.
What the nice guy fails to realize is that a woman will forgive a man for being controversial and polarizing, but not for being boring. Controversial people, like the typical bad boy, don’t always make a good impression, but they are never bland and they are always memorable.
Beautiful women are used to men agreeing with them and it doesn’t come across as sincere or attractive. Standing by your opinions and being prepared to disagree with women, instead of saying and doing things to impress her, will make you appear infinitely more confident and help set you apart from other guys.
The common strategy used by men who are inexperienced with women is to avoid confrontation and controversy in an attempt “to be liked by all; hated by none,” but when it comes to being intimate and attracting women, this is a terrible strategy. Being disliked by nobody often means not being loved by anyone either.
Remember that more than anything women are looking for safety and security from a man. The question is, how safe is she going to feel with a guy who doesn’t even have the guts to be clear about his desires for her, to express his opinions freely, or to stand up to her when she’s behaving bratty?
The inevitable fate of the nice guy is that he blows his chances with the object of his desires and is relegated to the dreaded “friend zone”. It’s sad watching well-intentioned guys suffer as they wait in vain for the girl of their dreams to come to her senses, but like they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions!
Fortunately it’s not all doom and gloom. The good news is that you can be a confident, high status and attractive man and get the girl you want without resorting to being a jerk. It starts with learning to express your opinions freely, disagreeing with people if needs be, and above all, being true to yourself even at the risk of polarizing people.
If you know what it’s like to be stuck in the friend zone with a girl you’d rather be in bed with, then consider these posts required reading: nice guys vs. bad boys, how to avoid being friend zoned and huge dating mistakes men make.
Boost Your Self-Esteem With Affirmations
Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth. — Iyanla Vanzant
One of the most important traits to becoming an attractive man is a strong sense of self-belief. This means being a man who likes himself, trust himself and is confident in his ability to get things done.
Your beliefs become a self-fulfilling prophecy because your beliefs shape your behaviors and your behaviors shape how others perceive and treat you.
If you don’t believe that you’re worthy of a beautiful girlfriend then attracting one will be “mission impossible” because you’ll behave in a way that communicates neediness, inferiority or inadequacy — qualities that repulse women.
Every facet, every compartment of your own mind is to be programmed by you, and unless you assume your rightful responsibility and begin to program your own mind the world will program it for you. - Evil Nine, “Cake Hole”
Positive affirmations are an excellent way to build your self-esteem. These are focused and specific statements that you repeat to yourself to reprogram your subconscious mind. Repeating affirmations helps to counteract the negative influences that other people, the media and society have on your self-esteem and belief system.
Affirmations are based on how you imagine your ideal self and they should be motivating for you. Affirmations are only effective when they are expressed in the present tense and avoid negative words.
Here are some example affirmations that you could use or adapt to become the kind of man that high-quality women are dying to meet:
- I am charming and charismatic and women are naturally attracted to me.
- My life is interesting and I live my life with purpose and passion.
- I am challenging, playful and fun and I make women smile easily.
- I am confident, calm, relaxed and emotionally strong.
- I am decisive and feel comfortable taking responsibility and leading interactions with women.
- I am sociable and I meet fun, positive people.
- I have interesting ideas to contribute to conversation and I make my opinions known.
- I attract women with my own unique personality and style.
- I communicate my feelings and desires openly and non-apologetically.
- I know that my opinion of myself is the only opinion that really matters.
- I live in a world of abundance with many beautiful and fun-loving women.
Set 10 minutes aside each day to read your affirmations out loud to yourself. The more you repeat them, the deeper they’ll sink into your subconscious mind to build your self-esteem and transform your life. Remember to say your affirmations with belief and accept them as your reality.
Over time your affirmations will help you to seize opportunities and become a better, stronger and more attractive man. I can’t overstate the power of this simple exercise!
Check out this post for more positive affirmations you can use to increase your self-esteem.
Listen to Uplifting Music
I used to listen to The Cure a lot, but at some stage I noticed that a lot of Rob Smith’s music puts me in a slightly melancholic mood. That’s cool for when I’m chilling at home, but it doesn’t do much to get me feeling social, upbeat and motivated.
At the gym it’s clear just how motivating and energizing music can be. Even when I’m low on energy, with the right tunes I often surprise myself with a great workout.
You can use music to put yourself into a confident state of mind too, but not if you’re listening to songs about guys lamenting about lost love or self deflating songs about low self-esteem.
Radiohead’s “Creep” and The Offspring’s “Self Esteem” are perfect examples of catchy tracks that are counterproductive if your goal is to attract high-quality women with confidence.
How confident do you think you’ll feel approaching a beautiful girl after listening to songs like these? Don’t underestimate the power of music on your state of mind. Be honest with yourself about how a song makes you feel and learn to be selective of the music you listen to.
Before you head out the house or while you’re out, listen to positive music to help get you feeling good about yourself. Not only will you appear more approachable, but it can give you that extra push you need to take and chance and initiate conversation with some of the attractive girls you see.
In case you’re looking for some inspiration, here are some tracks from one of my gym playlists that make me feel good in one way or another. Take some time to make playlists of your own personal favorites.
Asaf Avidan — One Day | Song 2 — Blur | We Are Your Friends — Justice | Can’t Touch This — MC Hammer | In Da Club — 50 Cent | The Rejection — Dangerous Muse | Enjoy the Silence — Depeche Mode | Beautiful Day — U2 | Lust for Life — Iggy Pop | Walking on the Moon — The Police | Billie Jean — Michael Jackson | Mystify — INXS | White Wedding — Billy Idol | Sex on Fire — Kings of Leon | Heavy Cross — Gossip | Sunglasses at Night — VooDoo & Serano | Still D.R.E. — Dr. Dre feat. Snoop Dogg | Let’s Push Things Forward — The Streets | The Safety Dance — Men Without Hats | Close to Me — The Cure | Heartbeats — The Knife | Ice Ice Baby — Vanilla Ice | Animal Attraction — She Wants Revenge | Alphaville — Big in Japan | You Spin Me ‘Round — Dead or Alive | No 13 Baby - Pixies | Kiss — Prince | This Fire — Franz Ferdinand | Thunderstruck — AC/DC | Where’s Your Head At — Basement Jaxx | Galvanize — The Chemical Brothers | One More Time — Daft Punk | Diesel Power — The Prodigy
Initiate Conversation with Strangers
Instead of hoping that other people will make the first move, understand that good things come to those who initiate. Getting comfortable making small talk with strangers will lead to confidence talking to attractive women. Initiating conversation with someone new everyday you’ll improve your social skills and slowly become more confident and outgoing.
The thought of starting conversations with complete strangers can be intimidating so it’s helpful to remember what Alfred Hitchcock said, “There is no terror in a bang, only in the anticipation of it.” We often imagine things to be a lot worse than they really are.
Often the people going about their daily business around you will be bored and only too happy to engage in a little conversation. If you’re shy, remember that it’s a lot less intimidating talking to people you’re not physically attracted to and it’s great practice for when the stakes are higher.
We all have plenty of opportunities to be friendly with people. For example when you’re: standing in a queue, standing in a lift, waiting for public transport, waiting for class to start, being waited on in a restaurant or being helped by a shopping assistant.
It takes some getting used to, but it’s not as difficult as it sounds if you just notice something about the environment and make the first observational comment that comes to mind to the person you’re nearest to. Asking for directions or for someone’s opinion on something are also good ways to start up a conversation.
Malcolm Forbes said, “To seduce most anyone, ask for and listen to his opinion.” Of course
They say that opinions are the cheapest commodities because most people are only too happy to share their thoughts with you.
Here are some example ice-breakers you could try:
- You look like the world’s fastest mobile phone texter.
- By the time we get to the counter my t-shirt would have gone out of style.
- How can they eat ice cream in winter?
- Do you know if there is a coffee shop around here?
- Have you tried the mango frappuccino?
- I’m starved for good reading, is that book any good?
- I’ve not seen you here before. Have you been working here long?
Don’t “Open to Close”
The secret of getting started is breaking complex, overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. — Mark Twain
One of the reasons why guys get so nervous about approaching women is because they set the stakes too high by being outcome dependent. If they don’t get a girl’s number or successfully arrange a date, they interpret the approach as a failure.
By changing your mindset, you can reduce the stakes and be much more relaxed and confident with women. The next time you approach a girl, approach with the simple goal of making her smile or feel good about herself instead of sealing a date.
When you do this a strange thing happens. You’ll immediately feel more confident and relaxed, which will help you to have more fun conversations and actually increase the likelihood of girls wanting to go out on a date with you!
Don’t Sell Yourself Short
I’m Dylan. I’m so cool. I want to date myself, but I don’t know how! You want to date me instead? You’re so lucky! — Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
In order to be confident speaking to women, it’s important to remember that you’re a unique and interesting guy with a lot to offer any girl, regardless how beautiful.
Instead of approaching a girl thinking, “I really hope she likes me,” give yourself the value you deserve by thinking “I wonder if she’s worth getting to know better.” So instead of thinking, “I hope she doesn’t reject me,” you’ll be thinking, “I hope I’ll have an interesting experience with her.”
Then based on how the conversation goes, you get to decide if she’s worth getting to know better and if you want to ask her for her phone number or not. Once you get talking you might realize that she’s not really your type.
This simple mind shift of seeing yourself as the selector refusing to sell yourself short can have a very positive effect on your confidence levels because it means that she needs to meet your standards, and not just the other way around.
Here’s an optimal approach mindset:
Hey, I just want to have an innocent little chat and give you the opportunity to find out a few cool and interesting things about me. If I still find you interesting at the end of our chat, I might choose to give you the chance to get to know me better another time. If you don’t take advantage of that, it’s your loss. There lots of other girls out there, I haven’t spoken to yet.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. - Eleanor Roosevelt
Fear of rejection is one of the most paralyzing fears for men. We’ve already touched on some ways to reduce the fear of rejection, but there are other realizations that can help you deal with rejection that I’d like to share with you now.
It’s very important to realize that in anything you do, there are a certain number of times you must fail until you succeed. But when you view failure as feedback, then each failure puts you one step closer to success. Sure, inaction may prevent you from failure, but it also prevents you from success. Remember that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
The guys who enjoy the greatest success with women are the guys who are prepared to risk the sting of rejection by putting themselves out there. These guys realize that rejection is a good sign, because it shows that you’re pushing to get all you can. A man who doesn’t get rejected is a man who isn’t reaching his full potential.
You need to make the decision whether you’re going to concern yourself with protecting your ego or maximizing your results. The good news is that the more experience you gain approaching women, the average number of attempts you have to make to hook up with a woman goes down.
Even the greatest pickup artists in the world had to start somewhere and they’ve all been rejected hundreds of times. Even now that they’re great with women they still get rejected, but it’s a small price to pay for the success they enjoy with beautiful women. At the end it’s your successes that matter and not the failures.
The difference between being good with women and being bad with women is often only the difference between successfully getting with 8% of the women you meet and 1% of the women you meet. That is a man who is statistically eight times better than the next guy, yet he’s still failing over 90% of the time. You simply cannot control what happens in every interaction. The sooner you accept this, the better off you’ll be.
Remember when you are rejected, there is no need to take it personally. There are thousands of reasons why you might not hit it off with a woman and many of these have nothing to do with you; perhaps she has a boyfriend, is married, just got out of a relationship or is from a different city.
Also in most cases she won’t have had the chance to get to know the real you, so there is no reason to take things personally. So when you get rejected, the only thing that should go through your mind is, “It’s her loss” and move on.
You can still feel great after being rejected simply because you dared to take a chance. This alone can lend you a ton of positive energy for the next approach. So be sure you make another approach very soon afterwards while your energy level is still high!
Even if you get rejected from someone who you feel strongly for and who has had time to get to know you, in the long run rejection is better than wasting your time in a relationship with someone who is not really into you.
Reduce Anxiety to Excitement
Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength. — Charles Spurgeon.
A common misconception is that approach anxiety is something you can overcome completely. The reality is that even the best pickup artists in the world still experience this annoying evolutionary fear to some degree. So instead of trying to banish approach anxiety completely, a healthier goal is to reduce debilitating approach anxiety to nervous excitement.
Anything worth striving for must stir your emotions a little. So being slightly nervous before making an approach is how you can tell if it’s worth approaching or not. That feeling of nervous energy should spur you into taking action and it helps to make what you’re doing a conscious and thoughtful process.
Have you ever noticed that the longer you think about approaching a girl, the more nervous you get? That’s why smart guys worship the Three Second Rule. Before they have a chance to feel that sick feeling in their stomach or start getting paranoid about what people will think, they’re already walking over to the girl.
If you’re very worried about making a fool of yourself, you might find it helpful to start by making approaches in a town where nobody knows you. This will help you to get some momentum behind you that you can keep up when you get back home. If you go to the trouble of traveling to a different town and paying for accommodation, you’ll be more likely to make the most of your investment.
While there are techniques that can help you deal with approach anxiety, there are no magic bullets to cure it. The most effective way to reduce your fear is to take the bull by the horns and approach women. Do you think you’d feel more confident approaching women after approaching two women a day for one month? Of course you would!
It’s a great idea to approach more than one woman a day, because you’ll always feel more confident after the first approach. In fact, pickup artists talk about throw away sets, which refers to the first approaches you make on any given day purely to get you in “state” or to give you an instant boost of confidence.
Lower the stakes and get yourself in the zone by walking up to a girl and complimenting her on something, with no intention of getting her number as a way of warming up and feeling good about yourself.
Follow my earlier advice to interact with random people when going about your business. If you’ve already said “hello” to five people, then you’re already feeling social and energized, so approaching a girl you’re attracted to will feel like a more natural escalation, than if you’d not spoken to anyone all day.
For more tips on reducing your approach anxiety, check out this post about overcoming extreme approach anxiety.
Find Positive Role Models
Look for positive role models in your life. People with the qualities, skills and accomplishments that you admire and aspire to, be they physical, spiritual, emotional or moral.
You’d be surprised how many people are only too happy to share their knowledge and experience with you. So take time to learn more about the people you meet, and who knows, you might find that they change your life for the better.
Books and the Internet are also fantastic ways to empower yourself with knowledge and learn from other peoples’ experiences, so read motivating and inspirational literature. Most importantly, take action and implement what you learn in your own life.
Choose a Positive Attitude
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. — Viktor E. Frankl
Do you fixate on your flaws and downplay your positive attributes? Do you find yourself naturally looking for the worst in every situation? Do you spend a lot of time complaining about things? Do you make excuses for your failures by blaming other people? Are you often in a gloomy mood?
Nobody likes to be around negative people who are constantly depressed or complaining. If this sounds like you, then you need to develop a more optimistic outlook on life. The next time you find yourself about to make a negative comment, catch yourself before you do. Instead of simply saying nothing at all, try to find something positive to say instead.
It take conscientious effort to change a negative mindset, but it’s an essential step in building lasting confidence. After all, how can you be confident in life if you think everyone is out to get you and you always see the glass as half empty instead of half full?
Realize that most people don’t mean you any harm and are just trying to get on with their own life. So try to give people the benefit of the doubt and make an effort look on the bright side of life.
This simple mental shift can have a very profound effect on your life. By choosing a positive attitude you’ll begin to see opportunities in every difficulty, rather than difficulty in every opportunity.
While you make these changes in your life, it’s worth reflecting on the people you spend time with. There is a saying that says, “Tell me who you spend time with and I’ll tell you how you feel.” Sound impossible. It’s not really.
You see, we often take on the feelings, behaviors and attitudes of those we spend time with. It’s easy to be pessimistic about life when you’re surrounded by negative people, or to lack confidence when your friends are unsupportive or discouraging.
Remember you only have one shot at life. Can you really afford to spend it people who drag you down? Confront people who have a habit of infecting you with their negativity, and if they’re not prepared to change, then reduce the time you spend with them, or in severe cases, cut them off completely.
Practice Gratitude Daily
The human heart cannot hold negativity and gratitude at the same time. From gratitude joy and all other virtues are born — Max Strom
One of the most powerful exercises I’ve found to banish negativity from my life came from reading Max Strom’s enlightening book A Life Worth Breathing, where he points out that humans are incapable of being negative and grateful at the same time. So by practicing gratitude for the good things in your life you’ll naturally feel positive.
Too often we only really appreciate the things we have when we lose them. There is nothing more powerful than traveling in a developing country to give you a renewed appreciation of the simple things in life that we take for granted. We forget that so many people on this planet can only dream the luxuries and rights that we enjoy in western society.
I have a list of the things I’m grateful for saved on my phone and I make a point of going through that list regularly to remind myself of the many blessings in my life. Feel free to use my list as inspiration to write your own:
I am grateful for:
- my excellent physical and mental health
- my comfortable bed and revitalizing sleep
- the clean air that I breathe and convenient access to fresh water and nourishing food
- the comfortable clothing I wear
- the roof over my head, running water, electric lights, heating and refrigeration
- my loving mother, father, brother and sister
- my beautiful and loving partner and mother of my son
- my treasured little boy for whom I strive to be a positive role model
- my many friends around the world
- my personal rights and the freedom to choose my own path in life
- my privileged education and upbringing
- my knowledge, expertise and access to information
- my financial security and ability to provide for my family
- my ability to solve problems and overcome hurdles
- my self-confidence and ability to turns my dreams into reality
- the beautiful city and country in which I live
- the infinite opportunities in the abundant world in which I live
Be One of the Regulars
Being comfortable in your environment is a sign of confidence. It’s the reason why bartenders, DJs and bouncers do well with women, because they’re the most comfortable guys in the place. You’d be comfortable too if you were there more often.
That’s why it’s a great idea to have a few coffee shops, restaurants and bars where you’re considered a regular. Go there during quiet times to have a drink and do some work on your laptop. Be friendly to the staff and tip well. Over time you’ll desensitize yourself to the environment, get to know the staff and recognize familiar faces.
Start treating the place like your own dining room or lounge and other people will notice your cool, calm and collected demeanor. You’ll look comfortable and confident making you more attractive to women. Also you’ll have a great place to invite girls on a date. Your date will be impressed when she sees you bumping into people you know, or when the staff are especially friendly to you.
Live in the Present for a Brighter Future
If you keep looking back, you can never focus on your destination. If you keep dwelling on the past, you’re going to miss the rest of your life.
Too many guys live their lives like a broken record of regrets. They replay their mistakes over and over in their mind, kicking themselves for their failures with women or lamenting about the one that got away.
Does this sound like you? Are you guilty of wasting your time stewing over your mistakes with girls? Like when you embarrassed yourself by saying something stupid, or when you didn’t have the courage to ask a cute girl out.
Listen we all make mistakes, but dwelling on mistakes for days, weeks or even years doesn’t do you any good, it just gets you depressed. Learning from the past is useful. Dwelling on the past is destructive. So commit to not making the same mistakes again and move on.
The idle mind is seldom at peace, so get out the house for some fresh air and to clear you mind. Mingle with people and do things. Learn new skills like meditation, yoga or martial arts. But most importantly remember what Samuel Johnson said, “The future is purchased with the present” so do something today that your future self will thank you for.
Courage is being scared to death… and saddling up anyway. — John Wayne
Fortune favors the brave. It’s not that confident people don’t have fears, they just choose to act in spite of them. Confident people know that action is the antidote to fear and the only way to increase your comfort zone is to live outside it. Be prepared to take chances in life and say “Yes” to new experiences, even when you feel out of your depth.
It’s normal to feel anxious when doing things that are unfamiliar, or when putting yourself on the line. Feeling fear and acting in spite of it builds courage and is essential to personal growth. The alternative is to be paralyzed by self-doubt and stagnate.
Some of the best memories of my life were the result of stepping out of my comfort zone and in some cases even attacking my weaknesses head on. For example, teaching English in Mexico to a class of 50 college students was a ballsy way to overcome my fear of public speaking. Was I nervous? Sure I was. Was my year in Mexico a fantastic experience? Hell yeah!
We all have things we’d like to do, that make us nervous. Remember, life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage so if you make a habit of feeling your fear and doing it anyway you’ll live a more interesting and fulfilling life.
Whether it be something crazy like skydiving to overcome your fear of heights, salsa lessons so you can finally stop making excuses for not dancing because you have two left legs, or approaching the next girl you feel attracted to.
Take Action (Avoid Analysis Paralysis)
Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. - Dale Carnegie
The pursuit of knowledge makes life interesting and worth living, but in order to be valuable, knowledge needs to be accompanied by action. Too much information can be as confusing as too little and can result in a failure to take action.
It’s great to learn from other people’s experiences, but learning by doing is infinitely more valuable. Boost your skills and confidence by taking action on the information you learn and focus on keeping things simple instead of overcomplicating things.
For example, you don’t have to memorize twenty different openers to start a conversation with a girl, a few openers is more than enough to get real world experience interacting with women.
Set Incremental Goals
Start where you are with what you have and never lose sight of your dream.
It’s good to have goals. They provide focus, direction, motivation, purpose and feedback. If you’re looking for a special girl to call your own, you might start by setting yourself the measurable goal of going on a date with 12 girls within the next year.
If you lack experience with women, this will sound like a lot, but on average it means going on a date with a different girl just once a month. Armed with the right information and some determination, this is more achievable than you might imagine.
Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment, but you can make your goal more achievable by breaking them down into smaller incremental steps that lead you towards your overall goal. Start by doing the following:
- Avoid common mistakes guys make by understanding what women really want in a man.
- Adopt confident body language and learn to project your voice.
- Improve your style and personal grooming to make a great impression.
- Recognize signs that a girl likes you so you don’t waste opportunities.
- Lead a more interesting life by pursuing passions, interests and hobbies.
- Expand your social circle and meet more girls by taking courses with an arts theme.
I link to articles about all of these subjects and more from this article about How to Pick Up Girls, so bookmark that post and refer back to it regularly.
Don’t forget that confidence is crucial to success, but you also need to develop competence. Self confidence will give you the boost you need to step out of your comfort zone and seize opportunities, but ultimately it’s developing your skills and learning from experience that will cement your success.
So while you’re getting a better understanding about how attraction works, learning to project a more confident self-image and forcing yourself into more social situations, don’t neglect your social skills. You can improve your conversation skills incrementally by doing the following:
- Say “hello” to as many people as possible during your daily activities. Aim to say “hello” to at least five people a day, male or female.
- Once you’re comfortable saying “hello”, turn it up a notch by making small talk every day with people you encounter, both male and female. Repeat this as much as possible until you start feeling more comfortable talking to strangers. (See “Talk to Strangers” for some example ice-breakers.)
- Then challenge yourself to approach 50 women in 10 days, even if it’s just to ask for directions or to get and opinion on something. For example: “Can you tell me if there is a coffee shop around here” or “Hey, I’ve not seen you here before. Have you been working here long?” etc. Approach women whether you’re attracted to them or not. The more approaches you make, the less nervous you’ll become.
- Once you’ve reduced your fear of approaching, step it up another notch by approaching women you’re attracted to with the goal of having a conversation. See an interesting women in the grocery store? Approach. Is there a girl at a party you want to meet? Approach. If you’re always approaching, you’re always improving and with each approach you’ll be one step closer to achieving your goal. Before you know it, you’ll be collecting phone numbers and arranging dates.
If these progressive assignments make you feel nervous, remember to take advantage of the power of positive affirmations and listen to energizing music before leaving the house to get you in a positive state of mind.
Keeping a diary can help you track your progress and ensure you stay on course to achieving your goal. You could also set weekly or monthly reminders in your calendar so you don’t slack off or get sidetracked from your goal.
Self-confidence won’t make you immune to disappointments and challenges. You will experience setbacks along the way. Think of these as learning experiences. Persevere and don’t stop until you reach your goal.
Habit is destiny. First shape your habits and then they shape you.
Congratulations for reading all the way to the end of this post! I really hope that these confidence building tips have been helpful and that you’re excited to start implementing them into your life.
I’ve shared a lot of information here, so don’t worry if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed. Nobody expects you to implement all these tips at once. In fact, it’s much more effective to concentrate on just a few things at a time.
Start by choosing the two or three tips that resonated most with you and apply these tips in your life for the next three weeks until they become habit. Bookmark this page so that once these new behaviors become part of your daily routine, you can come back for more.
Taking this accumulative approach, is the surest way of reaching your goal of attracting beautiful women with confidence and living a freer and happier life.
You have the power within you to increase your confidence with women to a level you never thought possible. All it takes is a willingness to face your fears and take action!
To you living a happier and more fulfilled life,
P.S. — Success requires a combination of confidence and competence. In this post I’ve given you the information you need to increase your confidence. Now be sure to grab my free 6 Day Seduction eCourse and Newsletter to gain the knowledge and skills that you need to increase your competence and ensure your success!
P.P.S. - If you’ve enjoyed this post and you know of a friend or family member who might benefit from this information, then please go ahead and share the link.
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