34 Confidence Building Tips for Shy Men

Confidence Building Tips for Shy Men

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Talk to any­one about get­ting bet­ter with girls and the word con­fi­dence gets thrown around very quickly. Con­fi­dence is believ­ing you’re capa­ble and wor­thy of success. 

Con­fi­dence is a self-fulfilling prophecy because as Henry Ford said, “If you think you can, or if you think you can’t, either way, you’re right.”

It’s no secret that women love con­fi­dent men and con­fi­dence helps you live a hap­pier and more ful­fill­ing life. If you feel ner­vous or inse­cure around women, then start build­ing your con­fi­dence today with these pow­er­ful con­fi­dence boost­ing tips for shy men.

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Ban­ish Lim­it­ing Beliefs

Suc­cess will be within your reach only when you start reach­ing out for it. — Stephen Richards

A lot of guys have mis­con­cep­tions about con­fi­dence that result in lim­it­ing beliefs about the level of suc­cess they’re capa­ble of achiev­ing with women. So let’s start by set­ting the record straight with the truth about con­fi­dence with women.

1) You don’t need to be rich or good-look­ing to be confident

Don’t fool your­self into think­ing that con­fi­dence with women is about fame, money, power or good looks. Sure, these things are a bonus because they can make you feel good about your­self, but they are not strictly required, nor do they guar­an­tee confidence. 

We’ve all seen ugly men with beau­ti­ful women and per­haps you even know a few good-look­ing guys who lack con­fi­dence. It’s naive to think that when you finally get that pro­mo­tion and raise, or lose those extra pounds you’re car­ry­ing around the waist that you’ll sud­denly become irre­sistible to women.  

Post­pon­ing your pur­suit of women until you’ve reached other career or per­sonal goals is a bad idea because you could lit­er­ally waste a life­time doing it — and in fact, many guys do. 

The truth is that your suc­cess with women is like any other area of your life, if you don’t prac­tice, you get worse. The only way to improve your con­fi­dence with women is to approach and talk to more women!

Just think about the suc­cess that the aver­age bar­tender enjoys with women. It’s not because he is high sta­tus or espe­cially well paid, it’s sim­ply because he’s com­fort­able in his envi­ron­ment and his work enables him to meet girls eas­ily, so he gets plenty of prac­tice with them.  

2) Con­fi­dence is not some­thing you’re “either born with, or you’re not”

Don’t make the com­mon mis­take of believ­ing that you’re either born with the con­fi­dence gene or you’re not. There is no con­fi­dence gene. It’s not a case of either you’ve got it or you haven’t. Even if you’re nat­u­rally intro­verted you can nur­ture your shy nature and grow in confidence.

We were all born into this world believ­ing we are the cen­ter of it and with­out inse­cu­ri­ties about our­selves or our naked bod­ies. We also never let fail­ure stop us from learn­ing new skills. Instead, we accepted fail­ure as a nec­es­sary part of the learn­ing process.  

It’s only when we start wor­ry­ing what other peo­ple think of us that we crip­ple our­selves with inse­cu­rity. We start judg­ing our­selves based on other peo­ple’s reac­tions to us, rather than on our own opin­ion of ourselves.

Instead of think­ing of con­fi­dence as a per­son­al­ity trait that you either have or you don’t have, think of it as a state that we all have the abil­ity to get into. We’ve all expe­ri­enced con­fi­dence in at least one area of our lives, so we know what it feels like.

The trick is to learn to evoke and main­tain a con­fi­dent state in our­selves around women. Then as you gain more expe­ri­ence, your skills with women will increase and con­fi­dence will come more nat­u­rally to you.

The “you are born con­fi­dent” myth fails to take into account that con­fi­dence is sit­u­a­tional. I’m sure you’ve noticed that your con­fi­dence lev­els dif­fer depend­ing on what you’re doing, who you’re doing it for and your expe­ri­ence and knowl­edge at what­ever you’re doing.

The more com­pe­tent you are at an activ­ity, the more con­fi­dent you feel. It’s ridicu­lous to sug­gest that either you’re con­fi­dent or you’re not based on your genes or the per­son­al­ity you were born with. Even if you’re a social cow­ard, you can grow in confidence.

3) You don’t have to ban­ish self-doubt completely

It’s quite nor­mal to have a small degree of self-doubt — it’s what makes us human. In fact, self-doubt can be healthy in small doses because it helps pre­vent com­pla­cency and arrogance.

You’d be sur­prised how many seem­ingly suc­cess­ful and out­wardly con­fi­dent peo­ple still wres­tle with self-doubt. Self-confidence is not the absence of doubt. It’s being able to live with your doubt as your com­pan­ion, but not as your master.

We could all ben­e­fit from a small increase in self-confidence. A 10 per­cent boost in con­fi­dence can make a huge dif­fer­ence to your life over time. It may be enough of a boost for you to inter­view for a bet­ter job or ask a attrac­tive girl out on a date. 

While con­fi­dence won’t make you immune to set­backs and chal­lenges, it will help you to seize oppor­tu­ni­ties, ful­fill your poten­tial and live a hap­pier life. It’s unre­al­is­tic to think you can ban­ish self-doubt com­pletely, but you can reduce it to a point that it moti­vates you to improve and take action. 

4) You don’t have to adopt some phony persona

Some guys think that you have to fake it or adopt some phony per­sona to attract beau­ti­ful women, but the fact is that dif­fer­ent women find dif­fer­ent types of men attrac­tive. For last­ing con­fi­dence with women, it’s impor­tant that you present your­self in a way that’s con­gru­ent with your per­son­al­ity and lifestyle. 

So dress in a style that por­trays your per­son­al­ity in the best light, whether it be busi­ness like, sophisticated, trendy, vin­tage, bohemian, sporty, edgy, rocker or what­ever else. You won’t do your­self any favors by imi­tat­ing peo­ple who have dif­fer­ent tastes and interests.

And don’t worry, you don’t have to mem­o­rize hun­dreds of cheesy pick up lines or phony rou­tines to be suc­cess­ful with women. Remem­ber, it’s not about try­ing to be some­one you’re not, but rather about striv­ing to be the best ver­sion of yourself.

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Under­stand Why Shy­ness is a Problem

Once bit­ten twice shy? Sure, but… why not get a big­ger dog and bite them back? — A.A. Bell, Hind­sight

Shy­ness is a fear of being judged and an over sen­si­tiv­ity to other people’s opin­ions. Shy­ness is a prob­lem because fear and anx­i­ety can hold you back from liv­ing the happy and ful­fill­ing life that you deserve.

Of course there are dif­fer­ent degrees of shy­ness. Some guys feel com­fort­able around other men, but turn to jelly when it comes to approach­ing a woman they find attrac­tive. While other guys feel uncom­fort­able in all social set­tings, doing their best to avoid them.   

If you’re shy, then you know what it’s like to worry about get­ting tongue tied, or blurt­ing out some­thing stupid. You may also expe­ri­ence some of these phys­i­o­log­i­cal symp­toms while in the com­pany of oth­ers: rac­ing heart­beat, sweaty hands, shak­ing voice, blush­ing cheeks, trem­bling or a sick feel­ing in your stomach.  

If you actively avoid social set­tings, it’s impor­tant to be hon­est about your moti­va­tion for spend­ing time alone. Is it because you hon­estly pre­fer your own com­pany, or is it based on a fear of not meet­ing other people’s expec­ta­tions, being ridiculed or find­ing your­self in embar­rass­ing situations? 

Like with any other fear, the best way to over­come shy­ness is to tackle it head on. Yes, this means forc­ing your­self to do the exact things that make you ner­vous in order to desen­si­tize your­self. It’s like with any­thing in life, the more you prac­tice, the more com­pe­tent and con­fi­dent you become.

If you’re afraid to approach women, then that’s exactly what you need to do to desen­si­tize your­self. I know what you’re think­ing. There is just one prob­lem. How do you make those first few approaches so it starts to become easier? 

I’m glad you asked because that’s exactly what you’re about to learn. I’m about to share prac­ti­cal tips to help you increase your con­fi­dence and over­come your fear of approach­ing women. 

If you suf­fer from shy­ness then check out these related post about Why Am I Afraid of Women and How to Build Alpha-Male Self-Esteem.

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Stop Wor­ry­ing What Peo­ple Think

Those who mind don’t mat­ter, and those who mat­ter don’t mind. — Bernard M. Baruch

It’s sad how many guys are par­a­lyzed into inac­tion because they worry too much about what other peo­ple think. They’re too scared to speak their mind or act on their desires so they end up rob­bing them­selves of oppor­tu­ni­ties for growth and happiness. 

The irony of it is that most peo­ple are far to pre­oc­cu­pied with their own lives to worry about your quirks and idiosyncrasies. You wouldn’t worry so much about what oth­ers think of you if you real­ized how sel­dom they do.

So the fear that your flaws are con­stantly being scru­ti­nized is unfounded. What peo­ple do notice is low self-esteem and it’s usu­ally when you’re self-conscious that you draw neg­a­tive atten­tion to yourself. 

How many oppor­tu­ni­ties have you missed because you were crip­pled by inse­cu­rity and gave other people’s opin­ions more value than your own? How many women have you let slip away because you were wor­ried about what peo­ple would think if you took a chance and approached? 

Real con­fi­dence means wor­ry­ing less about other people’s per­cep­tion of you than in your per­cep­tion of your­self. It means being proud of who you are and not allow­ing your­self to be held back by what other peo­ple think. Your opin­ion of your­self is the only opin­ion that matters!

If you chicken out of approach­ing an attrac­tive girl because you’re wor­ried what peo­ple will think, ask your­self this: The next day when you’re kick­ing your­self for hav­ing wasted your chance with her, are you going to even remem­ber the other peo­ple in the room, let alone care what they think?    

If you’re a shy guy and need help to over­come your fear of what other peo­ple think, I highly rec­om­mend you check out Sean Cooper’s life-changing book on how to over­come shyness.   

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Free Your­self from a Painful Past

Self-pity is the most destruc­tive of all nar­cotics. ― Sebas­t­ian Horsley

Not every­one gets off on the right foot in life. As a child did it seem that noth­ing you ever did was good enough? Were you ostra­cized, dis­cour­aged or misunderstood?

When we’re young, we’re quick to believe the things that peo­ple say about us, whether they are true or not. If you fam­ily didn’t believe that you would amount to much, you prob­a­bly believed them result­ing in a low self-esteem and a poor self-image.

The good news is that you have a choice. You don’t have to be a hostage to your past. No mat­ter how you were bought up, you can deter­mine how you live your life now. You can use your upbring­ing as an excuse or you can use it as an incen­tive. It’s up to you.

Instead of blam­ing your upbring­ing for the fail­ures in your life, choose to make a painful fam­ily his­tory one extra rea­son to suc­ceed. Prove them wrong by mak­ing some­thing of yourself.

It’s tempt­ing to blame oth­ers for your short­com­ings because it frees you from the respon­si­bil­ity of tak­ing charge of your life. It’s like say­ing, “See, it’s not my fault.” The prob­lem with cast­ing blame is that it makes you a pas­sen­ger in your own life and allows cir­cum­stances and other peo­ple to deter­mine your direction.

This kind of vic­tim men­tal­ity is addic­tive because it can get you atten­tion and sym­pa­thy. How­ever, it’s impor­tant to rec­og­nize that it holds you back from reach­ing your poten­tial. If you’re too busy feel­ing sorry for your­self, you’ll miss out on oppor­tu­ni­ties, you’ll stag­nate and risk feel­ing regret for what might have been.

You can’t change what peo­ple have done to you in the past, but you can take back your life now. You are not always respon­si­ble for what hap­pens to you, but you are always respon­si­ble for how you choose to respond. If you find your­self dredg­ing up painful child­hood mem­o­ries remind your­self, “That was then, and this is now. And now I take respon­si­bil­ity for my life.”

Look Your Best to Feel Your Best

You can­not climb the lad­der of suc­cess, dressed in the cos­tume of fail­ure. — Zig Ziglar

It takes guts to cold approach a beau­ti­ful woman and it’s espe­cially tough when you’re not look­ing and feel­ing your best. If you’re not look­ing as good as you could, you’re more likely to chicken out when an unex­pected oppor­tu­nity arises to start a con­ver­sa­tion with a woman. 

On the other hand, when you know that you’re look­ing your best, not only will you feel more con­fi­dent (espe­cially when you start notic­ing admir­ing glances from the ladies), but you’ll also have one less excuse for not tak­ing action. 

Shake­speare wasn’t far off the mark when he said clothes maketh the man. Stud­ies show that a man’s style is extremely impor­tant when it comes to female attrac­tion because dress­ing well is a sign of sta­tus and social intelligence. 

Good per­sonal groom­ing stan­dards and a fash­ion­able wardrobe can lit­er­ally dou­ble your suc­cess with women overnight and you can imag­ine what effect that will have on your confidence!

For more tips on how to look your best, check out this post about style and groom­ing tips for men so you’re always look­ing sharp and well trimmed.

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Adopt Con­fi­dent Body Language

The most impor­tant thing in com­mu­ni­ca­tion is hear­ing what isn’t said. — Peter F. Drucker

Believe it or not, your body lan­guage, appear­ance and tone of voice each have a big­ger impact on the impres­sion you make than what you say. So what does your body lan­guage com­mu­ni­cate to women? 

Stud­ies show that good pos­ture and body lan­guage not only affects how oth­ers per­ceive us, but also our own con­fi­dence lev­els. We all know that sit­ting and stand­ing up straight makes a good impres­sion on oth­ers, but did you know that it also increases your own belief in what you’re saying?

In the same way if your arms are crossed when speak­ing to some­one you’ll nat­u­rally become more defen­sive, but if you drop your arms to your side, you will feel your­self becom­ing more open and friendly.

So, now you have more rea­son than ever to walk with a con­fi­dent swag­ger, with your shoul­ders back, head up and chest out. Also make an effort to keep your move­ments slow, con­trolled and delib­er­ate with­out fidgeting. 

Small improve­ments in your body lan­guage can have a really big impact in the way other peo­ple per­ceive you. For quick and easy tips on body lan­guage that will make women notice you, check out my post about strong body lan­guage

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Pause, Your Way to a Sexy Voice

We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the tone of voice in which it has been expressed is unsym­pa­thetic to us. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Guys over­look the fact that your tonal­ity, or the sound of your voice, is more impor­tant in mak­ing a great impres­sion than what you actu­ally say. If you talk in a high-pitched nasal whine, women won’t be attracted to you and your con­fi­dence will take a knock.

Ner­vous peo­ple tend to speak too quickly at the expense of good pro­nun­ci­a­tion. So don’t be afraid to slow down your speech and allow for pauses. Also increas­ing your vol­ume is a great way to hide nerves and sound more confident.

Before speak­ing, take a deep breath into your diaphragm to give your­self a chance to assem­ble your thoughts, mod­er­ate your pitch and speed and appear in con­trol. Tak­ing a breath helps you to relax and it fills your lungs with air so you can talk with­out los­ing your breath if you are nervous.

For more detailed advice on improv­ing your the qual­ity of your voice, check out this post about attract­ing women with your voice.

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Make Strong Eye Contact

The eyes are the win­dow to the soul. 

Eye con­tact helps to cre­ate con­nec­tions between peo­ple and can pro­mote feel­ings of com­fort and attraction. Looking peo­ple in the eye shows that you’re con­fi­dent and makes you appear more trust­wor­thy, while dart­ing eyes give the impres­sion of insecurity. 

To help ensure that your eye con­tact feels nat­ural you can glance down at her mouth every so often, then back to her eyes. You can also take in your sur­round­ings from time to time, before return­ing your focus to her eyes. 

If you’re not used to mak­ing eye con­tact, you can prac­tice by look­ing at the bridge of your con­ver­sa­tion partner’s nose. Also, if you feel the need to break eye con­tact for a few seconds, it’s bet­ter to break it side­ways than to break it by cast­ing your eyes down. 

Research shows that to build good rap­port with some­one, your gaze should meet theirs between 60 and 70 per­cent of the time dur­ing conversation. Remember that there is a dif­fer­ence between strong eye con­tact and star­ing some­one down.

If you’re walk­ing down the street and see an attrac­tive woman in the dis­tance walk­ing towards you, don’t lock on her eyes too soon or she’ll feel uneasy as she walks towards you. It’s bet­ter to wait until she’s a few steps away from you before look­ing her in the eyes with a slight smile.

Learn to con­fi­dently express inter­est in a woman by hold­ing her gaze until she looks away. This usu­ally only takes a few sec­onds. If she looks back at you within 45 sec­onds, there is a very good chance that she likes you and would be open to your approach. Of course if she holds eye con­tact with you and smiles, it’s an open invi­ta­tion to approach her.

If you have a hard time know­ing when a girl is inter­ested in you, this post will clue you in to tell­tale signs a girl likes you.  

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Smile Because It’s Contagious

A smile is the light in your win­dow that tells oth­ers that there is a car­ing, shar­ing per­son inside. — Denis Waitley. 

A gen­uine, heart­felt smile is one of the most sim­ple and effec­tive things we can do to make a great first impression. It makes peo­ple feel good about them­selves and makes you appear more friendly and approachable. Smiling makes you look con­fi­dent and shows that you’re not let­ting life get the bet­ter of you.

Smil­ing is con­ta­gious and directly influ­ences other people’s atti­tudes and how they respond to you. It’s hard to dis­like some­one who smiles at you. Smiling not only makes you look more attrac­tive, but it can make you sound more attrac­tive too. Have you noticed how even on the phone you can hear when some­one is smiling? 

Giv­ing a woman a friendly smile as you pass on the street usu­ally results in one of two reac­tions: a return smile, or an avoid­ance of eye con­tact. If a woman doesn’t return your smile, don’t take it per­son­ally because there could be so many rea­sons for this that have absolutely noth­ing to do with you.  

When it comes to looks, women are more for­giv­ing than men, but they do notice and appre­ci­ate good den­tal hygiene. A bright smile is very youth­ful and can go a long way to boost your con­fi­dence, so visit the hygien­ist every six months and make sure you brush and floss regularly. 

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Engage Her With Facial Expressions

Not using facial expres­sions when you talk is like typ­ing ‘LOL’ when your face has less expres­sion than a brick.

A lot of guys don’t change their facial expres­sions enough to empha­size the things they’re say­ing. Using your facial expres­sions shows con­fi­dence and let’s the other per­son know that you’re enjoy­ing their com­pany and engaged in the conversation. 

Women use facial expres­sions a lot when talk­ing to female friends. In fact, some women seem to be able to have whole con­ver­sa­tions just by using facial expressions! So by show­ing more expres­sion in your face, you can quickly cre­ate a more fun and famil­iar atmos­phere with a woman.  

Actors are mas­ters of using facial expres­sion to con­vey what they’re think­ing and add emo­tion to the words they say. By doing the same, you can make your­self stand out as being a more inter­est­ing con­ver­sa­tion part­ner. Pay atten­tion to facial expres­sions the next time you turn on the tele­vi­sion and learn how it’s done from the masters.  

Like with every­thing it’s impor­tant to find the right bal­ance, with­out over­do­ing it. Prac­tice being expres­sive in a way that’s nat­ural and it’ll make a big dif­fer­ence to how oth­ers per­ceive you and to your confidence.

Here’s another help­ful tip: When you’re tired, your face will start to look seri­ous, mak­ing you seem less friendly. One way to coun­ter­act this and brighten up your face is to raise your eye­brows slightly and give your­self a close-to-smiling expres­sion. This will make you look more friendly and self-assured.  

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Treat Your Body Like Your Temple

Those who think they have no time for exer­cise will sooner or later have to find time for ill­ness. — Edward Stanley

Not only is phys­i­cal fit­ness attrac­tive to women and a sign of self-respect, but work­ing out is great for your metab­o­lism, energy lev­els, mus­cu­lar strength, weight loss, stress reduc­tion, con­cen­tra­tion, immune sys­tem, lung capac­ity, pos­ture, con­fi­dence and so much more.

Whether you’re look­ing to lose weight, gain weight, or sim­ply tone up, excel­lent nutri­tion and weight train­ing are the way to go. Focus on com­pound exer­cises that stim­u­late mul­ti­ple mus­cle groups at the same time. For exam­ple: bench press, push ups, back row, pull ups, dips, squats, dead lifts and leg press. 

The endor­phin rush after a good work­out is calm­ing and mood enhanc­ing, set­ting you up for a great day. This light sense of eupho­ria is very sim­i­lar to the feel­ing of con­fi­dence and can last for hours.

Also, if you look good you’re going to feel more con­fi­dent. Peo­ple pick up on this and treat you bet­ter, which serves to rein­force your pos­i­tive self image.

I’m per­son­ally a big fan of work­ing out with ket­tle­bells and I’ve had great results with Ryan Shanahan’s Ket­tle­worx Pro­gram. I also enjoy the body weight exer­cises described in Mark Lauren’s book You Are Your Own Gym.

Improv­ing your nutri­tion goes hand in hand with exer­cise. When it comes to nutri­tion, its “garbage in garbage out.” If you eat poorly you will always feel run down.

Fried foods, excess salt and sugar, and not enough fruits and veg­eta­bles will sap your energy and ulti­mately lead to health and weight prob­lems, which won’t do your con­fi­dence any favors.  

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Drink a lot… of Water

Water is the dri­ving force in nature. — Leonardo da Vinci

You’re prob­a­bly won­der­ing what drink­ing water has to do with con­fi­dence. Drink­ing water has so many ben­e­fits includ­ing improved: metab­o­lism, detoxification, complexion, con­cen­tra­tion, energy lev­els and mood.

Don’t you think you’d feel bet­ter about your­self with a trim­mer waist­line, a clearer skin, improved mus­cle tone, higher energy lev­els and excel­lent health? Don’t under­es­ti­mate the pos­i­tive effect that good hydra­tion can have on your confidence. 

It only takes a loss of 1–2% of your body’s ideal water con­tent to cause dehy­dra­tion. Your body’s reac­tion to dehy­dra­tion is to retain the water it does have. This in turn ham­pers kid­ney func­tion and waste prod­ucts accumulate.

Your liver is then called upon to flush out the impu­ri­ties. As a result the liver’s effec­tive­ness at metab­o­liz­ing fat into energy is min­i­mized, lead­ing to weight gain and as well as ill­ness and disease.

Water is the sim­plest, least expen­sive, most pow­er­ful and longest last­ing key to long term fat reduc­tion and improved health, so what is your excuse for not drink­ing 2 liters of water a day? 

  • If you don’t like the taste of plain ol’ water or you find it too bor­ing, try spic­ing it up with mint leaves or a few slices of lemon. 
  • If you don’t drink enough water because you want to avoid the incon­ve­nience of hav­ing to pee more often, remem­ber that each time you do, you are rid­ding your body of unwanted waste, fat and toxins.
  • If it’s sim­ply a case of not being thirsty, remem­ber that peo­ple often mis­take thirst for hunger and by the time you are thirsty your body is already dehydrated.

Drink your way to improved health with these 4 tips: 

  1. Leave a glass in the bath­room and make a com­mit­ment to start every day with a big glass of water. Make it the very first thing you do after get­ting out of bed and using the toilet. 
  2. Always carry a bot­tle of water with you that you can refill and take reg­u­lar sips from through­out the day. Aim to drink at least 2 liters of pure water a day and more if you’re engaged in sweaty activities.
  3. At the same time, cut down on dehy­drat­ing tea and cof­fee. Try replac­ing these with herbal teas and if you need to, you can sweeten these with a lit­tle honey. 
  4. Another great idea is to invest in a juicer and replace sug­ary fizzy drinks with fresh, nutri­tious and vit­a­min packed juices. This is a sim­ple and tasty way to turbo charge your health and energy levels. 

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Pur­sue Pas­sions, Inter­ests and Hobbies

I do the things I like to do. It’s sort of a big­ger ver­sion of hav­ing more than one hobby. — Harry Con­nick, Jr

If you’re not a nat­ural extro­vert, bars and night­clubs might not be the best places to meet women. The best place for you to meet women depends on your own inter­ests and what qual­i­ties you value most in women. Learn­ing new skills or devel­op­ing exist­ing ones is a great way to build con­fi­dence and meet peo­ple at the same time.

You’re more likely to be com­pat­i­ble with women who share sim­i­lar hob­bies and pas­sions. So ask your­self what events or orga­ni­za­tions you could become involved in to explore your hob­bies, expand your social cir­cle and meet women at the same time. 

Com­pe­tence leads to con­fi­dence. Yet many of us get so caught up in our day to day lives that we don’t make time for the activ­i­ties that give us oppor­tu­nity to excel and pro­vide tan­gi­ble evi­dence of our tal­ents. Are you neglect­ing your tal­ents? Are there activ­i­ties that you used to enjoy that you no longer make time for? 

Whether it be singing, draw­ing, play­ing an instru­ment, bas­ket­ball, moun­tain bik­ing or taekwondo. If you don’t use your tal­ents, you’ll lose con­fi­dence with­out fre­quent proof of what you’re capa­ble of.  

If you don’t know what your pas­sions and inter­ests are, then take some time to write down some of the things you’ve always wanted to do, but either never had the time or worked up the nerve to do. Then com­mit to get involved in these activities.  

You can’t expect to attract a high qual­ity girl­friend if your hob­bies only con­sist of watch­ing TV, surf­ing the inter­net and play­ing the PlaySta­tion. Enrolling in a spe­cial inter­est course is a great way to learn new skills and a great excuse to get out of the house to meet new people.

Classes that tend to be pop­u­lar with women include learn­ing a for­eign lan­guage, salsa danc­ing, act­ing or improv the­atre, art and yoga classes. Also, don’t for­get to check your local col­lege or com­mu­nity cen­ter for inter­est­ing talks, con­certs, the­atre and other events you can attend. You never know who you might meet dur­ing the inter­vals, or you could even invite some­one along on a date. 

Vol­un­teer­ing for a local char­ity is another great way to meet peo­ple that can have a pro­found effect on your self-esteem. Noth­ing is quite as ful­fill­ing as feel­ing like a con­tribut­ing mem­ber of soci­ety and know­ing that you’re mak­ing a pos­i­tive dif­fer­ence to the world. 

By pur­su­ing your inter­ests, devel­op­ing your skills and open­ing your­self to new expe­ri­ences you’ll nat­u­rally become a more inter­est­ing per­son and put your­self in a posi­tion to meet like minded peo­ple with sim­i­lar val­ues to your own. For more tips, check out this related post on the best places to meet women.   

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Under­stand What Women Want

If you know what women want, you can rule! 

If you’re con­fused about what women want in a man, you’re not alone. One dif­fi­culty is that a woman expects a man to know intu­itively what she wants with­out being told. Also, with so many dif­fer­ences between men and women, it’s not sur­pris­ing that many men are left con­fused and frus­trated try­ing to under­stand what women really want. 

For many men this con­fu­sion results in a lack of con­fi­dence around women. So let’s run though a typ­i­cal woman’s “shop­ping list” when it comes to find­ing the ideal part­ner, so you can keep these at the back of your mind and ensure you tick as many boxes as possible. 

Firstly, women are unable to avoid some level of attrac­tion to a man who appears capa­ble of father­ing chil­dren and pro­vid­ing her with pro­tec­tion and security. This is why women like a man to have a decent job, be sta­ble under pres­sure, and be phys­i­cally healthy and strong. 

In the name of equal­ity the dif­fer­ences between men and women are often sup­pressed, but it doesn’t mean the dif­fer­ences don’t exist. Women still want a mas­cu­line man. This means demon­strat­ing your abil­ity to lead, make deci­sions and be assertive. It also means being respon­si­ble, self-reliant and a man of action. 

Also remem­ber that women thrive on emo­tional con­nec­tion and want a man with whom they can share “qual­ity time.” While a secure job and your own set of inter­ests are impor­tant, mak­ing time for her is at the top of her wish list.

She wants to feel included in your life, which means arrang­ing fun activ­i­ties together, talk­ing about each other’s day and gen­er­ally “open­ing up” to her, which includes talk­ing about the rela­tion­ship and your feelings!

And that’s not all. Women also love feel­ing val­ued and appre­ci­ated. They have inse­cu­ri­ties just like men do, and enjoy being com­pli­mented with sin­cere praise. A woman wants a man who can make her feel spe­cial by notic­ing her pos­i­tive attrib­utes and prais­ing her on a job well done.   

For the full low­down on what women want in a man, check out these posts about what women wantways to be more manly and how to com­pli­ment a girl

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Be (the Best Ver­sion of) Yourself 

Be your­self — not your idea of what you think some­body else’s idea of your­self should be. — Henry David Thoreau

Some of the most frus­trat­ing dat­ing advice is pre­cisely the sug­ges­tion most friends and fam­ily offer, “be your­self and the rest will come naturally.” Why is it so dif­fi­cult to be your­self around beau­ti­ful women and what exactly does this pop­u­lar dat­ing advice mean? 

It’s impor­tant to point out that if you’re ner­vous around women it’s not entirely your fault. Soci­ety assumes that dat­ing is a nat­ural process that we should get right with­out guid­ance. How­ever, the real­ity is that dat­ing behav­iors are com­plex social skills that must be learned.  

When it comes down to it though, the advice to “be your­self” assumes the best in peo­ple. It means putting your best foot for­ward and empha­siz­ing your pos­i­tive attributes. It means that you should aspire to be a first-rate ver­sion of your­self, instead of a second-rate ver­sion of some­body else. 

If being your­self means sit­ting at home and feel­ing depressed, then you’ll need to develop pos­i­tive char­ac­ter traits that will help you to become a bet­ter ver­sion of your­self. When you are friendly, pos­i­tive, sin­cere, hon­est and inter­ested, the world and the beau­ti­ful women in it, will more likely smile upon you.

In this way the advice to “be your­self” really means to be upbeat about your life, see the glass as half full, have a laugh and don’t take your­self too seriously. It also means have the con­fi­dence to express your opin­ions and mean what you say. 

I know it’s eas­ier said than done, but the more energy you ded­i­cate to learn­ing dat­ing skills like how to approach and flirt with women, the eas­ier it becomes to relax and put your best foot forward. 

Want to know more? Then check out this post about being your­self around women

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Stop Play­ing the Victim

If you want to know who is most respon­si­ble for where you are in life, take a look in the mirror.

In an effort to avoid pain, fail­ure and rejec­tion we’re quick to find fault with oth­ers and ratio­nal­ize our short­com­ings, but slow in accept­ing the blame when things don’t go accord­ing to plan.

It’s amaz­ing how many peo­ple believe that their cur­rent cir­cum­stances in life have noth­ing to do with deci­sions they have made, actions they have taken and atti­tudes they have adopted.

It’s all too easy to make sweep­ing gen­er­al­iza­tions to brush off respon­si­bil­ity for your fail­ures. It’s com­mon for men to fall back on stereo­types about women as an excuse for their lack of suc­cess with them.

For exam­ple a guy might say, “all the girls in my town are fickle, shal­low and pre­ten­tious” or “all the girls in this club are stuck-up bitches.” Gen­er­al­iza­tions like these are unhelp­ful because they blind you to oppor­tu­ni­ties. Granted some girls might be stuck-up, but oth­ers might be fun, inter­est­ing and down to earth.

The prob­lem is that if you’re always blam­ing other peo­ple or soci­ety for your prob­lems, then you’re pow­er­less to enact pos­i­tive change in your life. You’ll fail to ful­fill your poten­tial and you’ll stag­nate rather than grow.
If a woman rejects you, ask your­self what you could have done bet­ter and strive to do those things bet­ter next time. The point is that while you can’t always con­trol what hap­pens to you, you can con­trol how you choose to respond to it. Don’t allow events or cir­cum­stances to define your identity.

Accept respon­si­bil­ity for your life and avoid falling into the trap of blam­ing, com­plain­ing and resent­ing. If you’re con­stantly blam­ing oth­ers, you’re not learn­ing. And if you’re not learn­ing, then you’re not improv­ing. And if you’re not improv­ing, then you’re stagnating.

Nobody likes to be around peo­ple who bitch, moan and whinge. Remem­ber, change does not hap­pen when cir­cum­stances improve; change hap­pens when you decide to improve your circumstances. 

Are you hold­ing onto gen­er­al­iza­tions about women in order to pro­tect your ego? Not all women are bitches and the world is not out to short-change you. Chal­lenge your­self to look for the good in peo­ple and empower your­self by accept­ing that the only per­son who deter­mines your suc­cess and fail­ure is you!

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Demon­strate Lead­er­ship Qualities

Only one man in a thou­sand is a leader of men - the other 999 fol­low women. — Grou­cho Marx

Most peo­ple have a hard time mak­ing deci­sions because they’re wor­ried about being held account­able when things go wrong. So when you can step up and make deci­sions for a group, peo­ple will respect you for it. The more peo­ple respect you, the more author­ity and influ­ence you gain. And the more influ­ence you have, the more attrac­tive and con­fi­dent you’ll become.

Don’t always go with the flow allow­ing oth­ers to make deci­sions for you, instead make a con­scious effort to have pref­er­ences and opin­ions about things and speak up in group situations. 

Start by prac­tic­ing deci­sive­ness and lead­er­ship with your friends on small deci­sions, like where to grab lunch, and over time you’ll feel more com­fort­able han­dling deci­sions where the stakes are higher.

Peo­ple who have lit­tle in the way of an opin­ion will look to the per­son who is most cer­tain to make deci­sions for them. So the more con­vinced you sound about your deci­sion, the more per­sua­sive you’ll be, and the more you’ll get your way. 

Instead of ask­ing if it’s okay, just assume that it will be. Say “I’m hun­gry. Let’s go grab some Sushi” or “I know a great Ital­ian place just around the cor­ner. Fol­low me.” Before long you’ll estab­lish your­self as a nat­ural leader. Women will notice this and become more attracted to you, giv­ing your con­fi­dence a boost.

If you’re nat­u­rally intro­verted, you might feel intim­i­dated by the thought of assum­ing a lead­er­ship role, but you’ll find it less intim­i­dat­ing if you think of lead­er­ship as the abil­ity to orga­nize. Start get­ting into the habit of being proac­tive about orga­niz­ing and not leav­ing it to others.

For exam­ple, you only need one per­son in your group of friends to com­mit to an idea to start plan­ning an event, and then sim­ply invite oth­ers to join in on what you’re doing. As the orga­nizer, you nat­u­rally assume a posi­tion of leadership.  

Dis­cover other traits that women find irre­sistible in men in this post about how to be more manly

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Beware of Rose-Colored Glasses

You have now reached infatuation’s final des­ti­na­tion — the com­plete and mer­ci­less deval­u­a­tion of self. — Eliz­a­beth Gilbert from Eat Pray, Love

A com­mon prob­lem, that is espe­cially com­mon among shy guys, is a ten­dency to become roman­ti­cally obsessed with “one spe­cial girl” often before you’ve really had a chance to get to know her. 

Do you often find your­self fan­ta­siz­ing about a girl, imag­in­ing what it would be like to be in a rela­tion­ship with her, before hav­ing spent any qual­ity time with her? Per­haps after a short con­ver­sa­tion with her you start read­ing into the things she said and did, and play out exag­ger­ated fan­tasies in your head.   

This kind of infat­u­a­tion leads to a num­ber of prob­lems and ulti­mately reduces your con­fi­dence and sab­o­tages any chances you might have had with her. Idol­iz­ing a girl puts her on a pedestal and places unnec­es­sary pres­sure on yourself.

At your next oppor­tu­nity to approach her or strike up con­ver­sa­tion, chances are you’ll either be par­a­lyzed by fear, or your high expec­ta­tions with lead to anx­i­ety and blow your chances with her. It’s extremely dif­fi­cult to behave with easy going con­fi­dence around some­one who you’re too emo­tion­ally invested in. 

Remem­ber, unless you’ve got­ten to know some­one over a longer period of time, you don’t know what they’re really like. Nobody is per­fect, and this includes that beau­ti­ful girl you have run­ning through your mind. Resist the temp­ta­tion to be won over by looks alone.

Wear­ing rose-colored glasses will not only reduce your con­fi­dence around the girl you’re inter­ested in, but can also blind you to other pos­si­bil­i­ties. Remem­ber that their are 3.5 bil­lion other women on this planet.

I don’t care how beau­ti­ful or “spe­cial” you think she is, there are plenty of other girls out there. The best way to stay con­fi­dent and attract women is to have an abun­dance men­tal­ity and to avoid becom­ing too highly invested too quickly.   

To learn more about over­com­ing the dan­gers of infat­u­a­tion, check out this arti­cle about how to cure oneitis.

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Break the Spell of Beauty

Over­con­fi­dence blurs out the risk. Infe­ri­or­ity mag­ni­fies it. — Toba Beta

One of the main causes of shy­ness and a lack of con­fi­dence is a feel­ing of infe­ri­or­ity when com­par­ing your­self with other peo­ple. If you don’t feel that you have the same value as the girl you’re attracted to, then you’ll inevitably feel shy or ner­vous around her. 

Do you feel shy or ner­vous around over­weight and unat­trac­tive girls? Prob­a­bly not. I bet you’re more relaxed around them and find it much eas­ier to be your­self. So why do you feel anx­ious around beau­ti­ful women? The rea­son is because you place too much value on looks, so the beau­ti­ful girl becomes intim­i­dat­ing to you.

Irrel­e­vant of how beau­ti­ful a girl is, don’t allow your­self to fall for her before you get to know her. One way to break the spell that beau­ti­ful women cast on you is to get into the habit of ask­ing yourself, “What else does she have to offer?”

Choos­ing to look past beauty for other attrac­tive qual­i­ties will help to reduce your infe­ri­or­ity com­plex and you’ll be more inclined to make the approach to find out if her per­son­al­ity is as attrac­tive as her looks. 

If you have a hard time pluck­ing up the courage to approach attrac­tive girls, you might find it help­ful to imag­ine them as being over­weight and unat­trac­tive. Also remem­ber to approach with the goal of find­ing out what she has to offer on a per­sonal level.   

You could also try an opener like this, “Hey, I couldn’t help notic­ing how beau­ti­ful you are, so I came over to find out if you’re friendly too.” This is a com­pli­ment for her, but it also sub-communicates that you’re a man of high value who is look­ing for a girl with more than good looks alone.  

It’s coun­ter­pro­duc­tive to put beau­ti­ful girls on a pedestal, not just because it makes you feel infe­rior and there­fore anx­ious around them, but also because gen­uine high qual­ity women get tired of being pur­sued based on their looks alone.

They’d much rather inter­act with a man with the self-value to look past the phys­i­cal and get to know her on a per­sonal level. Remem­ber that women have a sixth sense at iden­ti­fy­ing infe­ri­or­ity and low self-value and they know when a man is only inter­ested in them for their looks. 

While diet, fit­ness, style, and groom­ing all play a part in how a per­son looks, being good look­ing has more to do with get­ting lucky with good genes than any­thing else. So ask your­self this, just because a lot­tery win­ner gets lucky, does it make them any way supe­rior to you? Of course not!

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Polar­ize to Attract (No More Mr. Nice Guy!)

When it comes to attrac­tion, there is only one thing worse than mak­ing a bad impres­sion, and that’s mak­ing no impres­sion at all. In his exag­ger­ated attempt to make a good impres­sion, the “nice guy” comes across as needy, bland and for­get­table and fails to meet the woman’s need for safety and security.  

Do you some­times have the feel­ing that the “bad boys” have all the fun? Why do so many beau­ti­ful women fall for jerks when they could have a nice guy who is con­sid­er­ate, loyal, gives emo­tional sup­port, pays com­pli­ments, does favors and is non-confrontational? 

There are many rea­sons for the plight of the nice guy. Unfortunately nice guys fail to demon­strate vital traits of attrac­tion. They lack the con­fi­dence to man up and be clear about their desires and they lower their sta­tus by putting women on a pedestal and show­ing too much interest. 

But per­haps the nice guy’s biggest sin is that he plays it too safe. He is afraid he might offend her, so he doesn’t chal­lenge her, he agrees with her opin­ions, com­plies with her wishes and is apologetic. He is unwill­ing to stick his neck out and take risks in case he makes a bad impression.

What the nice guy fails to real­ize is that a woman will for­give a man for being con­tro­ver­sial and polar­iz­ing, but not for being boring. Controversial peo­ple, like the typ­i­cal bad boy, don’t always make a good impres­sion, but they are never bland and they are always memorable.

Beau­ti­ful women are used to men agree­ing with them and it doesn’t come across as sin­cere or attractive. Standing by your opin­ions and being pre­pared to dis­agree with women, instead of say­ing and doing things to impress her, will make you appear infi­nitely more con­fi­dent and help set you apart from other guys.

The com­mon strat­egy used by men who are inex­pe­ri­enced with women is to avoid con­fronta­tion and con­tro­versy in an attempt “to be liked by all; hated by none,” but when it comes to being inti­mate and attract­ing women, this is a ter­ri­ble strat­egy. Being dis­liked by nobody often means not being loved by any­one either. 

Remem­ber that more than any­thing women are look­ing for safety and secu­rity from a man. The ques­tion is, how safe is she going to feel with a guy who doesn’t even have the guts to be clear about his desires for her, to express his opin­ions freely, or to stand up to her when she’s behav­ing bratty? 

The inevitable fate of the nice guy is that he blows his chances with the object of his desires and is rel­e­gated to the dreaded “friend zone”. It’s sad watch­ing well-intentioned guys suf­fer as they wait in vain for the girl of their dreams to come to her senses, but like they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions!

For­tu­nately it’s not all doom and gloom. The good news is that you can be a con­fi­dent, high sta­tus and attrac­tive man and get the girl you want with­out resort­ing to being a jerk. It starts with learn­ing to express your opin­ions freely, dis­agree­ing with peo­ple if needs be, and above all, being true to your­self even at the risk of polar­iz­ing people. 

If you know what it’s like to be stuck in the friend zone with a girl you’d rather be in bed with, then con­sider these posts required read­ing: nice guys vs. bad boyshow to avoid being friend zoned and huge dat­ing mis­takes men make.

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Boost Your Self-Esteem With Affirmations

Every­thing that hap­pens to you is a reflec­tion of what you believe about your­self. We can­not out­per­form our level of self-esteem. We can­not draw to our­selves more than we think we are worth. — Iyanla Vanzant

One of the most impor­tant traits to becom­ing an attrac­tive man is a strong sense of self-belief. This means being a man who likes him­self, trust him­self and is con­fi­dent in his abil­ity to get things done. 

Your beliefs become a self-fulfilling prophecy because your beliefs shape your behav­iors and your behav­iors shape how oth­ers per­ceive and treat you.

If you don’t believe that you’re wor­thy of a beau­ti­ful girl­friend then attract­ing one will be “mis­sion impos­si­ble” because you’ll behave in a way that com­mu­ni­cates need­i­ness, infe­ri­or­ity or inad­e­quacy — qual­i­ties that repulse women.

Every facet, every com­part­ment of your own mind is to be pro­grammed by you, and unless you assume your right­ful respon­si­bil­ity and begin to pro­gram your own mind the world will pro­gram it for you. - Evil Nine, “Cake Hole”

Pos­i­tive affir­ma­tions are an excel­lent way to build your self-esteem. These are focused and spe­cific state­ments that you repeat to your­self to repro­gram your sub­con­scious mind. Repeating affir­ma­tions helps to coun­ter­act the neg­a­tive influ­ences that other peo­ple, the media and soci­ety have on your self-esteem and belief system.

Affir­ma­tions are based on how you imag­ine your ideal self and they should be moti­vat­ing for you. Affir­ma­tions are only effec­tive when they are expressed in the present tense and avoid neg­a­tive words.

Here are some exam­ple affir­ma­tions that you could use or adapt to become the kind of man that high-quality women are dying to meet:

  • I am charm­ing and charis­matic and women are nat­u­rally attracted to me.
  • My life is inter­est­ing and I live my life with pur­pose and passion.
  • I am chal­leng­ing, play­ful and fun and I make women smile easily.
  • I am con­fi­dent, calm, relaxed and emo­tion­ally strong. 
  • I am deci­sive and feel com­fort­able tak­ing respon­si­bil­ity and lead­ing inter­ac­tions with women.
  • I am socia­ble and I meet fun, pos­i­tive people.
  • I have inter­est­ing ideas to con­tribute to con­ver­sa­tion and I make my opin­ions known.
  • I attract women with my own unique per­son­al­ity and style.
  • I com­mu­ni­cate my feel­ings and desires openly and non-apologetically.
  • I know that my opin­ion of myself is the only opin­ion that really matters. 
  • I live in a world of abun­dance with many beau­ti­ful and fun-loving women.

Set 10 min­utes aside each day to read your affir­ma­tions out loud to your­self. The more you repeat them, the deeper they’ll sink into your sub­con­scious mind to build your self-esteem and trans­form your life. Remem­ber to say your affir­ma­tions with belief and accept them as your reality. 

Over time your affir­ma­tions will help you to seize oppor­tu­ni­ties and become a bet­ter, stronger and more attrac­tive man. I can’t over­state the power of this sim­ple exercise! 

Check out this post for more pos­i­tive affir­ma­tions you can use to increase your self-esteem.  

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Lis­ten to Uplift­ing Music

Music can change the world because it can change peo­ple — Bono

I used to lis­ten to The Cure a lot, but at some stage I noticed that a lot of Rob Smith’s music puts me in a slightly melan­cholic mood. That’s cool for when I’m chill­ing at home, but it doesn’t do much to get me feel­ing social, upbeat and motivated.

At the gym it’s clear just how moti­vat­ing and ener­giz­ing music can be. Even when I’m low on energy, with the right tunes I often sur­prise myself with a great workout. 

You can use music to put your­self into a con­fi­dent state of mind too, but not if you’re lis­ten­ing to songs about guys lament­ing about lost love or self deflat­ing songs about low self-esteem. 

Radiohead’s “Creep” and The Offspring’s “Self Esteem” are per­fect exam­ples of catchy tracks that are coun­ter­pro­duc­tive if your goal is to attract high-quality women with confidence. 

How con­fi­dent do you think you’ll feel approach­ing a beau­ti­ful girl after lis­ten­ing to songs like these? Don’t under­es­ti­mate the power of music on your state of mind. Be hon­est with your­self about how a song makes you feel and learn to be selec­tive of the music you lis­ten to. 

Before you head out the house or while you’re out, lis­ten to pos­i­tive music to help get you feel­ing good about your­self. Not only will you appear more approach­able, but it can give you that extra push you need to take and chance and ini­ti­ate con­ver­sa­tion with some of the attrac­tive girls you see. 

In case you’re look­ing for some inspi­ra­tion, here are some tracks from one of my gym playlists that make me feel good in one way or another. Take some time to make playlists of your own per­sonal favorites.  

Asaf Avi­dan — One Day | Song 2 — Blur | We Are Your Friends — Jus­tice | Can’t Touch This — MC Ham­mer | In Da Club — 50 Cent | The Rejec­tion — Dan­ger­ous Muse | Enjoy the Silence — Depeche Mode | Beau­ti­ful Day — U2 | Lust for Life — Iggy Pop | Walk­ing on the Moon — The Police | Bil­lie Jean — Michael Jack­son | Mys­tify — INXS | White Wed­ding — Billy Idol | Sex on Fire — Kings of Leon | Heavy Cross — Gos­sip | Sun­glasses at Night — VooDoo & Ser­ano | Still D.R.E. — Dr. Dre feat. Snoop Dogg | Let’s Push Things For­ward — The Streets | The Safety Dance — Men With­out Hats | Close to Me — The Cure | Heart­beats — The Knife | Ice Ice Baby — Vanilla Ice | Ani­mal Attrac­tion — She Wants Revenge | Alphav­ille — Big in Japan | You Spin Me ‘Round — Dead or Alive | No 13 Baby - Pix­ies | Kiss — Prince | This Fire — Franz Fer­di­nand | Thun­der­struck — AC/DC | Where’s Your Head At — Base­ment Jaxx | Gal­va­nize — The Chem­i­cal Broth­ers | One More Time — Daft Punk | Diesel Power — The Prodigy 

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Ini­ti­ate Con­ver­sa­tion with Strangers

Good things don’t come to those who wait. They come to those who initiate.

Instead of hop­ing that other peo­ple will make the first move, under­stand that good things come to those who initiate. Getting com­fort­able mak­ing small talk with strangers will lead to con­fi­dence talk­ing to attrac­tive women. Ini­ti­at­ing con­ver­sa­tion with some­one new every­day you’ll improve your social skills and slowly become more con­fi­dent and outgoing. 

The thought of start­ing con­ver­sa­tions with com­plete strangers can be intim­i­dat­ing so it’s help­ful to remem­ber what Alfred Hitch­cock said, “There is no ter­ror in a bang, only in the antic­i­pa­tion of it.” We often imag­ine things to be a lot worse than they really are. 

Often the peo­ple going about their daily busi­ness around you will be bored and only too happy to engage in a lit­tle con­ver­sa­tion. If you’re shy, remem­ber that it’s a lot less intim­i­dat­ing talk­ing to peo­ple you’re not phys­i­cally attracted to and it’s great prac­tice for when the stakes are higher. 

We all have plenty of oppor­tu­ni­ties to be friendly with people. For exam­ple when you’re: stand­ing in a queue, stand­ing in a lift, wait­ing for pub­lic trans­port, wait­ing for class to start, being waited on in a restau­rant or being helped by a shop­ping assistant.

It takes some get­ting used to, but it’s not as dif­fi­cult as it sounds if you just notice some­thing about the envi­ron­ment and make the first obser­va­tional com­ment that comes to mind to the per­son you’re near­est to. Ask­ing for direc­tions or for someone’s opin­ion on some­thing are also good ways to start up a conversation.

Mal­colm Forbes said, “To seduce most any­one, ask for and lis­ten to his opin­ion.” Of course  

They say that opin­ions are the cheap­est com­modi­ties because most peo­ple are only too happy to share their thoughts with you.

Here are some exam­ple ice-breakers you could try:  

  • You look like the world’s fastest mobile phone texter. 
  • By the time we get to the counter my t-shirt would have gone out of style. 
  • How can they eat ice cream in winter?
  • Do you know if there is a cof­fee shop around here? 
  • Have you tried the mango frappuccino?
  • I’m starved for good read­ing, is that book any good?
  • I’ve not seen you here before. Have you been work­ing here long?

For more advice on mak­ing con­ver­sa­tion, check out these posts about funny con­ver­sa­tion starterstalk­ing to a girl and avoid­ing awk­ward silences

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Don’t “Open to Close”

The secret of get­ting started is break­ing com­plex, over­whelm­ing tasks into small man­age­able tasks, and then start­ing on the first one. — Mark Twain

One of the rea­sons why guys get so ner­vous about approach­ing women is because they set the stakes too high by being out­come dependent. If they don’t get a girl’s num­ber or suc­cess­fully arrange a date, they inter­pret the approach as a failure.

By chang­ing your mind­set, you can reduce the stakes and be much more relaxed and con­fi­dent with women. The next time you approach a girl, approach with the sim­ple goal of mak­ing her smile or feel good about her­self instead of seal­ing a date. 

When you do this a strange thing hap­pens. You’ll imme­di­ately feel more con­fi­dent and relaxed, which will help you to have more fun con­ver­sa­tions and actu­ally increase the like­li­hood of girls want­ing to go out on a date with you!

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Don’t Sell Your­self Short

I’m Dylan. I’m so cool. I want to date myself, but I don’t know how! You want to date me instead? You’re so lucky! — Rick Rior­dan, The Lost Hero

In order to be con­fi­dent speak­ing to women, it’s impor­tant to remem­ber that you’re a unique and inter­est­ing guy with a lot to offer any girl, regard­less how beautiful.

Instead of approach­ing a girl think­ing, “I really hope she likes me,” give your­self the value you deserve by think­ing “I won­der if she’s worth get­ting to know better.” So instead of think­ing, “I hope she doesn’t reject me,” you’ll be think­ing, “I hope I’ll have an inter­est­ing expe­ri­ence with her.”

Then based on how the con­ver­sa­tion goes, you get to decide if she’s worth get­ting to know bet­ter and if you want to ask her for her phone num­ber or not. Once you get talk­ing you might real­ize that she’s not really your type. 

This sim­ple mind shift of see­ing your­self as the selec­tor refus­ing to sell your­self short can have a very pos­i­tive effect on your con­fi­dence lev­els because it means that she needs to meet your stan­dards, and not just the other way around.      

Here’s an opti­mal approach mindset:

Hey, I just want to have an inno­cent lit­tle chat and give you the oppor­tu­nity to find out a few cool and inter­est­ing things about me. If I still find you inter­est­ing at the end of our chat, I might choose to give you the chance to get to know me bet­ter another time. If you don’t take advan­tage of that, it’s your loss. There lots of other girls out there, I haven’t spo­ken to yet. 


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Embrace Rejec­tion

You gain strength, courage, and con­fi­dence by every expe­ri­ence in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you can­not do. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear of rejec­tion is one of the most par­a­lyz­ing fears for men. We’ve already touched on some ways to reduce the fear of rejec­tion, but there are other real­iza­tions that can help you deal with rejec­tion that I’d like to share with you now.

It’s very impor­tant to real­ize that in any­thing you do, there are a cer­tain num­ber of times you must fail until you suc­ceed. But when you view fail­ure as feed­back, then each fail­ure puts you one step closer to suc­cess. Sure, inac­tion may pre­vent you from fail­ure, but it also pre­vents you from suc­cess. Remem­ber that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. 

The guys who enjoy the great­est suc­cess with women are the guys who are pre­pared to risk the sting of rejec­tion by putting them­selves out there. These guys real­ize that rejec­tion is a good sign, because it shows that you’re push­ing to get all you can. A man who doesn’t get rejected is a man who isn’t reach­ing his full potential. 

You need to make the deci­sion whether you’re going to con­cern your­self with pro­tect­ing your ego or max­i­miz­ing your results. The good news is that the more expe­ri­ence you gain approach­ing women, the aver­age num­ber of attempts you have to make to hook up with a woman goes down. 

Even the great­est pickup artists in the world had to start some­where and they’ve all been rejected hun­dreds of times. Even now that they’re great with women they still get rejected, but it’s a small price to pay for the suc­cess they enjoy with beau­ti­ful women. At the end it’s your suc­cesses that mat­ter and not the failures.  

The dif­fer­ence between being good with women and being bad with women is often only the dif­fer­ence between suc­cess­fully get­ting with 8% of the women you meet and 1% of the women you meet. That is a man who is sta­tis­ti­cally eight times bet­ter than the next guy, yet he’s still fail­ing over 90% of the time. You sim­ply can­not con­trol what hap­pens in every inter­ac­tion. The sooner you accept this, the bet­ter off you’ll be. 

Remem­ber when you are rejected, there is no need to take it per­son­ally. There are thou­sands of rea­sons why you might not hit it off with a woman and many of these have noth­ing to do with you; per­haps she has a boyfriend, is mar­ried, just got out of a rela­tion­ship or is from a dif­fer­ent city.

Also in most cases she won’t have had the chance to get to know the real you, so there is no rea­son to take things personally. So when you get rejected, the only thing that should go through your mind is, “It’s her loss” and move on.

You can still feel great after being rejected sim­ply because you dared to take a chance. This alone can lend you a ton of pos­i­tive energy for the next approach. So be sure you make another approach very soon after­wards while your energy level is still high!

Even if you get rejected from some­one who you feel strongly for and who has had time to get to know you, in the long run rejec­tion is bet­ter than wast­ing your time in a rela­tion­ship with some­one who is not really into you.  

For more help­ful posts about rejec­tion, check out top rea­sons why women reject men, why women flake out and avoid­ing the friend zone

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Reduce Anx­i­ety to Excitement

Anx­i­ety does not empty tomor­row of its sor­rows, but only emp­ties today of its strength. — Charles Spurgeon. 

A com­mon mis­con­cep­tion is that approach anx­i­ety is some­thing you can over­come com­pletely. The real­ity is that even the best pickup artists in the world still expe­ri­ence this annoy­ing evo­lu­tion­ary fear to some degree. So instead of try­ing to ban­ish approach anx­i­ety com­pletely, a health­ier goal is to reduce debil­i­tat­ing approach anx­i­ety to ner­vous excitement.

Any­thing worth striv­ing for must stir your emo­tions a lit­tle. So being slightly ner­vous before mak­ing an approach is how you can tell if it’s worth approach­ing or not. That feel­ing of ner­vous energy should spur you into tak­ing action and it helps to make what you’re doing a con­scious and thought­ful process.  

Have you ever noticed that the longer you think about approach­ing a girl, the more ner­vous you get? That’s why smart guys wor­ship the Three Sec­ond Rule. Before they have a chance to feel that sick feel­ing in their stom­ach or start get­ting para­noid about what peo­ple will think, they’re already walk­ing over to the girl. 

If you’re very wor­ried about mak­ing a fool of your­self, you might find it help­ful to start by mak­ing approaches in a town where nobody knows you. This will help you to get some momen­tum behind you that you can keep up when you get back home. If you go to the trou­ble of trav­el­ing to a dif­fer­ent town and pay­ing for accom­mo­da­tion, you’ll be more likely to make the most of your investment. 

While there are tech­niques that can help you deal with approach anx­i­ety, there are no magic bul­lets to cure it. The most effec­tive way to reduce your fear is to take the bull by the horns and approach women. Do you think you’d feel more con­fi­dent approach­ing women after approach­ing two women a day for one month? Of course you would!

It’s a great idea to approach more than one woman a day, because you’ll always feel more con­fi­dent after the first approach. In fact, pickup artists talk about throw away sets, which refers to the first approaches you make on any given day purely to get you in “state” or to give you an instant boost of confidence.

Lower the stakes and get your­self in the zone by walk­ing up to a girl and com­pli­ment­ing her on some­thing, with no inten­tion of get­ting her num­ber as a way of warm­ing up and feel­ing good about yourself.

Fol­low my ear­lier advice to inter­act with ran­dom peo­ple when going about your busi­ness. If you’ve already said “hello” to five peo­ple, then you’re already feel­ing social and ener­gized, so approach­ing a girl you’re attracted to will feel like a more nat­ural esca­la­tion, than if you’d not spo­ken to any­one all day.

For more tips on reduc­ing your approach anx­i­ety, check out this post about over­com­ing extreme approach anx­i­ety.

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Find Pos­i­tive Role Models

The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The supe­rior teacher demon­strates. The great teacher inspires. — William Arthur Ward

Look for pos­i­tive role mod­els in your life. Peo­ple with the qual­i­ties, skills and accom­plish­ments that you admire and aspire to, be they phys­i­cal, spir­i­tual, emo­tional or moral.

You’d be sur­prised how many peo­ple are only too happy to share their knowl­edge and expe­ri­ence with you. So take time to learn more about the peo­ple you meet, and who knows, you might find that they change your life for the better. 

Books and the Inter­net are also fan­tas­tic ways to empower your­self with knowl­edge and learn from other peo­ples’ expe­ri­ences, so read moti­vat­ing and inspi­ra­tional lit­er­a­ture. Most impor­tantly, take action and imple­ment what you learn in your own life. 

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Choose a Pos­i­tive Attitude

Every­thing can be taken from a man but one thing: the last human free­doms to choose one’s atti­tude in any given set of cir­cum­stances. — Vik­tor E. Frankl 

Do you fix­ate on your flaws and down­play your pos­i­tive attrib­utes? Do you find your­self nat­u­rally look­ing for the worst in every sit­u­a­tion? Do you spend a lot of time com­plain­ing about things? Do you make excuses for your fail­ures by blam­ing other peo­ple? Are you often in a gloomy mood? 

Nobody likes to be around neg­a­tive peo­ple who are con­stantly depressed or com­plain­ing. If this sounds like you, then you need to develop a more opti­mistic out­look on life. The next time you find your­self about to make a neg­a­tive com­ment, catch your­self before you do. Instead of sim­ply say­ing noth­ing at all, try to find some­thing pos­i­tive to say instead. 

It take con­sci­en­tious effort to change a neg­a­tive mind­set, but it’s an essen­tial step in build­ing last­ing con­fi­dence. After all, how can you be con­fi­dent in life if you think every­one is out to get you and you always see the glass as half empty instead of half full? 

Real­ize that most peo­ple don’t mean you any harm and are just try­ing to get on with their own life. So try to give peo­ple the ben­e­fit of the doubt and make an effort look on the bright side of life. 

This sim­ple men­tal shift can have a very pro­found effect on your life. By choos­ing a pos­i­tive atti­tude you’ll begin to see oppor­tu­ni­ties in every dif­fi­culty, rather than dif­fi­culty in every opportunity.

While you make these changes in your life, it’s worth reflect­ing on the peo­ple you spend time with. There is a say­ing that says, “Tell me who you spend time with and I’ll tell you how you feel.” Sound impos­si­ble. It’s not really.

You see, we often take on the feel­ings, behav­iors and atti­tudes of those we spend time with. It’s easy to be pes­simistic about life when you’re sur­rounded by neg­a­tive peo­ple, or to lack con­fi­dence when your friends are unsup­port­ive or discouraging.   

Remem­ber you only have one shot at life. Can you really afford to spend it peo­ple who drag you down? Confront peo­ple who have a habit of infect­ing you with their neg­a­tiv­ity, and if they’re not pre­pared to change, then reduce the time you spend with them, or in severe cases, cut them off completely.

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Prac­tice Grat­i­tude Daily

The human heart can­not hold neg­a­tiv­ity and grat­i­tude at the same time. From grat­i­tude joy and all other virtues are born — Max Strom 

One of the most pow­er­ful exer­cises I’ve found to ban­ish neg­a­tiv­ity from my life came from read­ing Max Strom’s enlight­en­ing book A Life Worth Breath­ing, where he points out that humans are inca­pable of being neg­a­tive and grate­ful at the same time. So by prac­tic­ing grat­i­tude for the good things in your life you’ll nat­u­rally feel positive.    

Too often we only really appre­ci­ate the things we have when we lose them. There is noth­ing more pow­er­ful than trav­el­ing in a devel­op­ing coun­try to give you a renewed appre­ci­a­tion of the sim­ple things in life that we take for granted. We for­get that so many peo­ple on this planet can only dream the lux­u­ries and rights that we enjoy in west­ern society. 

I have a list of the things I’m grate­ful for saved on my phone and I make a point of going through that list reg­u­larly to remind myself of the many bless­ings in my life. Feel free to use my list as inspi­ra­tion to write your own:

I am grate­ful for:

  • my excel­lent phys­i­cal and men­tal health
  • my com­fort­able bed and revi­tal­iz­ing sleep
  • the clean air that I breathe and con­ve­nient access to fresh water and nour­ish­ing food
  • the com­fort­able cloth­ing I wear
  • the roof over my head, run­ning water, elec­tric lights, heat­ing and refrigeration
  • my lov­ing mother, father, brother and sister
  • my beau­ti­ful and lov­ing part­ner and mother of my son
  • my trea­sured lit­tle boy for whom I strive to be a pos­i­tive role model
  • my many friends around the world
  • my per­sonal rights and the free­dom to choose my own path in life 
  • my priv­i­leged edu­ca­tion and upbringing
  • my knowl­edge, exper­tise and access to information
  • my finan­cial secu­rity and abil­ity to pro­vide for my family
  • my abil­ity to solve prob­lems and over­come hurdles
  • my self-confidence and abil­ity to turns my dreams into reality
  • the beau­ti­ful city and coun­try in which I live
  • the infi­nite oppor­tu­ni­ties in the abun­dant world in which I live

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Be One of the Regulars

Being com­fort­able in your envi­ron­ment is a sign of con­fi­dence. It’s the rea­son why bar­tenders, DJs and bounc­ers do well with women, because they’re the most com­fort­able guys in the place. You’d be com­fort­able too if you were there more often.  

That’s why it’s a great idea to have a few cof­fee shops, restau­rants and bars where you’re con­sid­ered a reg­u­lar. Go there dur­ing quiet times to have a drink and do some work on your laptop. Be friendly to the staff and tip well. Over time you’ll desen­si­tize your­self to the envi­ron­ment, get to know the staff and rec­og­nize famil­iar faces.

Start treat­ing the place like your own din­ing room or lounge and other peo­ple will notice your cool, calm and col­lected demeanor. You’ll look com­fort­able and con­fi­dent mak­ing you more attrac­tive to women. Also you’ll have a great place to invite girls on a date. Your date will be impressed when she sees you bump­ing into peo­ple you know, or when the staff are espe­cially friendly to you.  

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Live in the Present for a Brighter Future

If you keep look­ing back, you can never focus on your des­ti­na­tion. If you keep dwelling on the past, you’re going to miss the rest of your life.

Too many guys live their lives like a bro­ken record of regrets. They replay their mis­takes over and over in their mind, kick­ing them­selves for their fail­ures with women or lament­ing about the one that got away. 

Does this sound like you? Are you guilty of wast­ing your time stew­ing over your mis­takes with girls? Like when you embar­rassed your­self by say­ing some­thing stu­pid, or when you didn’t have the courage to ask a cute girl out.  

Lis­ten we all make mis­takes, but dwelling on mis­takes for days, weeks or even years doesn’t do you any good, it just gets you depressed. Learning from the past is use­ful. Dwelling on the past is destruc­tive. So com­mit to not mak­ing the same mis­takes again and move on. 

The idle mind is sel­dom at peace, so get out the house for some fresh air and to clear you mind. Min­gle with peo­ple and do things. Learn new skills like med­i­ta­tion, yoga or mar­tial arts. But most impor­tantly remem­ber what Samuel John­son said, “The future is pur­chased with the present” so do some­thing today that your future self will thank you for. 

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Be Coura­geous!

Courage is being scared to death… and sad­dling up any­way. — John Wayne

For­tune favors the brave. It’s not that con­fi­dent peo­ple don’t have fears, they just choose to act in spite of them. Con­fi­dent peo­ple know that action is the anti­dote to fear and the only way to increase your com­fort zone is to live out­side it. Be pre­pared to take chances in life and say “Yes” to new expe­ri­ences, even when you feel out of your depth.     

It’s nor­mal to feel anx­ious when doing things that are unfa­mil­iar, or when putting your­self on the line. Feeling fear and act­ing in spite of it builds courage and is essen­tial to per­sonal growth. The alter­na­tive is to be par­a­lyzed by self-doubt and stagnate. 

Some of the best mem­o­ries of my life were the result of step­ping out of my com­fort zone and in some cases even attack­ing my weak­nesses head on. For exam­ple, teach­ing Eng­lish in Mex­ico to a class of 50 col­lege stu­dents was a ballsy way to over­come my fear of pub­lic speak­ing. Was I ner­vous? Sure I was. Was my year in Mex­ico a fan­tas­tic expe­ri­ence? Hell yeah! 

We all have things we’d like to do, that make us ner­vous. Remem­ber, life shrinks or expands in pro­por­tion to one’s courage so if you make a habit of feel­ing your fear and doing it any­way you’ll live a more inter­est­ing and ful­fill­ing life. 

Whether it be some­thing crazy like sky­div­ing to over­come your fear of heights, salsa lessons so you can finally stop mak­ing excuses for not danc­ing because you have two left legs, or approach­ing the next girl you feel attracted to.  

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Take Action (Avoid Analy­sis Paralysis)

Inac­tion breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds con­fi­dence and courage. If you want to con­quer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. - Dale Carnegie

The pur­suit of knowl­edge makes life inter­est­ing and worth liv­ing, but in order to be valu­able, knowl­edge needs to be accom­pa­nied by action. Too much infor­ma­tion can be as con­fus­ing as too lit­tle and can result in a fail­ure to take action.

It’s great to learn from other people’s expe­ri­ences, but learn­ing by doing is infi­nitely more valu­able. Boost your skills and con­fi­dence by tak­ing action on the infor­ma­tion you learn and focus on keep­ing things sim­ple instead of over­com­pli­cat­ing things.

For exam­ple, you don’t have to mem­o­rize twenty dif­fer­ent open­ers to start a con­ver­sa­tion with a girl, a few open­ers is more than enough to get real world expe­ri­ence inter­act­ing with women. 

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Set Incre­men­tal Goals

Start where you are with what you have and never lose sight of your dream.

It’s good to have goals. They pro­vide focus, direc­tion, moti­va­tion, pur­pose and feed­back. If you’re look­ing for a spe­cial girl to call your own, you might start by set­ting your­self the mea­sur­able goal of going on a date with 12 girls within the next year. 

If you lack expe­ri­ence with women, this will sound like a lot, but on aver­age it means going on a date with a dif­fer­ent girl just once a month. Armed with the right infor­ma­tion and some deter­mi­na­tion, this is more achiev­able than you might imagine.  

Dis­ci­pline is the bridge between goals and accom­plish­ment, but you can make your goal more achiev­able by break­ing them down into smaller incre­men­tal steps that lead you towards your over­all goal. Start by doing the following: 

  • Avoid com­mon mis­takes guys make by under­stand­ing what women really want in a man.
  • Adopt con­fi­dent body lan­guage and learn to project your voice. 
  • Improve your style and per­sonal groom­ing to make a great impression. 
  • Rec­og­nize signs that a girl likes you so you don’t waste opportunities.
  • Lead a more inter­est­ing life by pur­su­ing pas­sions, inter­ests and hobbies.
  • Expand your social cir­cle and meet more girls by tak­ing courses with an arts theme.  

I link to arti­cles about all of these sub­jects and more from this arti­cle about How to Pick Up Girls, so book­mark that post and refer back to it regularly. 

Don’t for­get that con­fi­dence is cru­cial to suc­cess, but you also need to develop com­pe­tence. Self con­fi­dence will give you the boost you need to step out of your com­fort zone and seize oppor­tu­ni­ties, but ulti­mately it’s devel­op­ing your skills and learn­ing from expe­ri­ence that will cement your success.  

So while you’re get­ting a bet­ter under­stand­ing about how attrac­tion works, learn­ing to project a more con­fi­dent self-image and forc­ing your­self into more social sit­u­a­tions, don’t neglect your social skills. You can improve your con­ver­sa­tion skills incre­men­tally by doing the following:

  • Say “hello” to as many peo­ple as pos­si­ble dur­ing your daily activ­i­ties. Aim to say “hello” to at least five peo­ple a day, male or female. 
  • Once you’re com­fort­able say­ing “hello”, turn it up a notch by mak­ing small talk every day with peo­ple you encounter, both male and female. Repeat this as much as pos­si­ble until you start feel­ing more com­fort­able talk­ing to strangers. (See “Talk to Strangers” for some exam­ple ice-breakers.)
  • Then chal­lenge your­self to approach 50 women in 10 days, even if it’s just to ask for direc­tions or to get and opin­ion on some­thing. For exam­ple: “Can you tell me if there is a cof­fee shop around here” or “Hey, I’ve not seen you here before. Have you been work­ing here long?” etc. Approach women whether you’re attracted to them or not. The more approaches you make, the less ner­vous you’ll become.
  • Once you’ve reduced your fear of approach­ing, step it up another notch by approach­ing women you’re attracted to with the goal of hav­ing a con­ver­sa­tion. See an inter­est­ing women in the gro­cery store? Approach. Is there a girl at a party you want to meet? Approach. If you’re always approach­ing, you’re always improv­ing and with each approach you’ll be one step closer to achiev­ing your goal. Before you know it, you’ll be col­lect­ing phone num­bers and arrang­ing dates.  

If these pro­gres­sive assign­ments make you feel ner­vous, remem­ber to take advan­tage of the power of pos­i­tive affir­ma­tions and lis­ten to ener­giz­ing music before leav­ing the house to get you in a pos­i­tive state of mind. 

Keep­ing a diary can help you track your progress and ensure you stay on course to achiev­ing your goal. You could also set weekly or monthly reminders in your cal­en­dar so you don’t slack off or get side­tracked from your goal. 

Self-confidence won’t make you immune to dis­ap­point­ments and chal­lenges. You will expe­ri­ence set­backs along the way. Think of these as learn­ing expe­ri­ences. Per­se­vere and don’t stop until you reach your goal. 

back to index

Clos­ing Thoughts

Habit is des­tiny. First shape your habits and then they shape you.

Con­grat­u­la­tions for read­ing all the way to the end of this post! I really hope that these con­fi­dence build­ing tips have been help­ful and that you’re excited to start imple­ment­ing them into your life. 

I’ve shared a lot of infor­ma­tion here, so don’t worry if you’re feel­ing a lit­tle over­whelmed. Nobody expects you to imple­ment all these tips at once. In fact, it’s much more effec­tive to con­cen­trate on just a few things at a time. 

Start by choos­ing the two or three tips that res­onated most with you and apply these tips in your life for the next three weeks until they become habit. Book­mark this page so that once these new behav­iors become part of your daily rou­tine, you can come back for more. 

Tak­ing this accu­mu­la­tive approach, is the surest way of reach­ing your goal of attract­ing beau­ti­ful women with con­fi­dence and liv­ing a freer and hap­pier life. 

You have the power within you to increase your con­fi­dence with women to a level you never thought pos­si­ble. All it takes is a will­ing­ness to face your fears and take action! 

To you liv­ing a hap­pier and more ful­filled life,  

Tyler Duncan Signature

 Founder ShyGuyDatingAdvice.com

P.S. — Suc­cess requires a com­bi­na­tion of con­fi­dence and com­pe­tence. In this post I’ve given you the infor­ma­tion you need to increase your con­fi­dence. Now be sure to grab my free 6 Day Seduc­tion eCourse and Newslet­ter to gain the knowl­edge and skills that you need to increase your com­pe­tence and ensure your success! 

P.P.S. - If you’ve enjoyed this post and you know of a friend or fam­ily mem­ber who might ben­e­fit from this infor­ma­tion, then please go ahead and share the link.

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About Tyler Duncan

I'm not naturally good with women. Most of what I know I learned the hard way. I know how it feels to be too shy to approach, to get stuck in the "Friend Zone" and have girls flake on me. Check out this embarrassing post about How I Got My First Slap →

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