How to Talk to a Girl You Like

How to talk to a girl

Help­ful tech­niques for talk­ing to a girl you like

Women are sick of bor­ing con­ver­sa­tions with men. They’re tired of answer­ing the same ques­tions over and over. If you can be dif­fer­ent from other guys when you talk to a girl, you’ll stand out and build attrac­tion quickly.

We’ve already talked about funny con­ver­sa­tion starters, improv­ing con­ver­sa­tion skills and avoid­ing awk­ward silences, but a lot of guys want to know how to talk to a girl you like with­out sound­ing like every­one else. And how do you cre­ate that sense of com­fort and con­nec­tion that women find so irre­sistible in a man?

Prac­tice “Cold Read­ing” When Talk­ing to Girls

Often girls are approached and then imme­di­ately bom­barded with ques­tions. Exchanges with men often feel more like an inter­view or a game of 20 ques­tions, lead­ing to bor­ing and shal­low con­ver­sa­tions that are quickly forgotten.

Talk­ing in state­ments rather than ques­tions, is one easy way to spice up your inter­ac­tions with women and ensure that your con­ver­sa­tion is mem­o­rable. “Cold read­ing” is when you make an assump­tion or an edu­cated guess about what she does, where she’s from or about her inter­ests instead of ask­ing her directly.

Hey, let me guess… you’re from Brazil, right?” is more inter­est­ing than ask­ing where she’s from directly, and “You look like a cre­ative per­son. I bet you’re job is inter­est­ing.” is a more engag­ing way of find­ing out what she does for a living.

We all get bored with answer­ing the same ques­tions and for attrac­tive girls who get approached often, it’s a real turn-off. So next time you’re talk­ing to a girl you like, chal­lenge your­self to get the answer you want with­out ask­ing the ques­tion. Don’t worry, it’s a lot eas­ier than it sounds.

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The best thing about cold read­ing is that you can’t fail. You’ll find out what you want, but the con­ver­sa­tion will be much more inter­est­ing for her because you’re adding value by let­ting her know the impres­sion she makes on you. This works a treat because the only thing peo­ple love more than talk­ing about them­selves, is hear­ing about themselves.

Only one of three things can hap­pen when you use a state­ment to make a pre­dic­tion about her:

  1. You’ll be wrong, and she’ll cor­rect you. She’ll basi­cally just answer the ques­tion you based your cold read on, ignor­ing that you were wrong.
  2. You’ll be wrong, and she’ll ask you what made you think that. Your guess will make her curi­ous about what you observed in her, lead­ing to a deeper and more per­sonal conversation.
  3. You’ll be right, and she’ll be blown away by your intu­ition. Not only will this impress her but it’ll also gen­er­ate imme­di­ate rap­port, mak­ing her very keen to con­tinue the con­ver­sa­tion with you.

To show how this works in prac­tice, here’s a cold read­ing together with three exam­ple responses based on Mark Manson’s book Mod­els: Attract Women Through Hon­esty:

You: You look a bit book­ish. You must be a stu­dent around here.
Her (if you’re wrong): No, I’m not. I’m a den­tal hygien­ist. But I do love to read, though.
Her (intrigued by your guess): No. What made you think that? Is it my glasses? I just got them.
Her (impressed by your intu­ition): Yeah, I am! Wow, how did you know? Am I that easy to read?

Cold read­ing is also a sim­ple way to ini­ti­ate con­ver­sa­tions. For exam­ple, at a con­cert you could say, “Let me guess, you’ve been a fan since before they made it big.” This is a dis­guised com­ple­ment since it tells her that she seems like a music insider. In a cof­fee shop cold read­ing can be a relaxed and non-threatening way to break the ice, “Hey, I’m just curi­ous… are you from Italy?”

Of course you’ll still have to ask ques­tions to keep the con­ver­sa­tion going, but don’t be afraid to take guesses and make pre­dic­tions about her. Not only does this make con­ver­sa­tions more fun, but some­thing amaz­ing hap­pens when you cold read a woman: she’ll start ask­ing YOU ques­tions. She’ll find her­self want­ing to know more about you and this inter­est is the first step in build­ing attraction.

What to Talk About With a Girl

Many guys are unsure of what to talk about with a girl. They want to plan all the top­ics to talk about ahead of time, which only leads to unnat­ural and sti­fled conversations. When it comes down to it, there are only really two sub­jects of con­ver­sa­tion when talk­ing to a girl: her and you.

Every­thing the two of you talk about should in some way reveal your iden­tity to each other. It’s this open­ing up and shar­ing of your iden­tity that cre­ates the sense of bond­ing and con­nec­tion that is cru­cial for real attrac­tion. The greater the emo­tional con­nec­tion, the more attracted to you she’ll become.

Here are the three steps required to con­nect with a girl you like:

  • Be open about your­self, with­out lying or boasting
  • Get her to open up about herself
  • Relate to her expe­ri­ence on an emo­tional level

She wants to know who YOU are. If you are happy with who you are, and don’t strain to impress or show off, she will pick up on this and it will be enough to make her feel com­fort­able with you.

I dis­cuss these steps in more detail below, but rest assured that as long as you are will­ing to talk about your­self and your feel­ings in a sin­cere and gen­uine way, you don’t have to worry about plan­ning things to talk about with a girl in advance. 

Open Up” When Talk­ing With a Girl

Most guys have have a hard time open­ing up and talk­ing hon­estly about their feel­ings, desires, fears and inse­cu­ri­ties, espe­cially when they’re talk­ing to a girl they like. I know how intim­i­dat­ing it can be, but it’s essen­tial if you want to move past shal­low con­ver­sa­tion and cre­ate a real emo­tional con­nec­tion with a woman.

Guys tend to feel more com­fort­able focus­ing atten­tion away from them­selves by talk­ing about things like: sports, pol­i­tics, cars, movies, girls etc. They falsely believe that being a man means not show­ing weak­ness or vul­ner­a­bil­ity, fail­ing to acknowl­edge that it takes con­sid­er­able courage to talk frankly about these kind of things.

Women on the other hand pre­fer to focus inwardly and only feel truly engaged when they are talk­ing about them­selves (or each other) and their emo­tions. This is why gos­sip, drama and peo­ple watch­ing are so irre­sistible to women.

This very impor­tant dif­fer­ence in the way men and women com­mu­ni­cate results in an emo­tional divide that can only be bridged by a man who is dar­ing enough to expose his true feel­ings, fears and inse­cu­ri­ties. Most men try to por­tray a facade of per­fec­tion when talk­ing to a girl they like, but what they fail to real­ize is that women are attracted to a man’s rough edges. Most guys fail to see vul­ner­a­bil­ity as a form of power.

A man who’s able to make him­self vul­ner­a­ble is say­ing to the world, “I don’t care what you think of me; this is who I am, and I refuse to be any­one else.”

Pro­vided you show that you don’t live your life in per­pet­ual fear, there is great strength in vul­ner­a­bil­ity. It demon­strates that you’re not needy and proves to her that you’re a high sta­tus man, instantly increas­ing your attractiveness.

This is why open­ing up and expos­ing your true iden­tity is so effec­tive at cre­at­ing a con­nec­tion and esca­lat­ing attraction. When you share some­thing per­sonal about your­self, it will be gen­uine and she’ll imme­di­ately respond to that by being gen­uine herself.

Here are some con­ver­sa­tion top­ics that will help her get to know the real you:

  • Your pas­sions and the things you most enjoy doing
  • Your dreams, ambi­tions, life goals and also your fears
  • The best/worst things that have hap­pened to you
  • Your child­hood, fam­ily life and upbringing

It’s likely that these top­ics will make you feel uneasy, because they force you to expose your true self, but that’s exactly the point. These are the things that define us as human beings and make us unique. By shar­ing this type of infor­ma­tion when talk­ing with a girl you like, you’ll stand out from all the other guys she talks to.

Remem­ber that you have noth­ing to lose by open­ing up to a girl. At worse she’ll reject you, but she’ll prob­a­bly do that any­way if you only talk about your job, sports or pol­i­tics. By talk­ing sin­cerely about your pas­sions, ambi­tions and unique expe­ri­ences, the con­ver­sa­tion becomes more meaningful.

She’ll appre­ci­ate your hon­esty and will be much more likely to openly share her own feel­ings and expe­ri­ences with you. (For more related infor­ma­tion check out Mark Manson’s insight­ful post on the power of vul­ner­a­bil­ity.)

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Relate to Her Expe­ri­ences on an Emo­tional Level

Talk­ing openly and hon­estly about your­self will encour­age her to share per­sonal infor­ma­tion about herself. This is your oppor­tu­nity to really con­nect with her by relat­ing to her expe­ri­ences to build trust and rapport.

When­ever she shares some­thing new about her­self, ask your­self what it tells you about her emo­tions, moti­va­tions and char­ac­ter traits and for­mu­late ques­tions to explore these per­sonal char­ac­ter­is­tics in more detail.

Most guys totally miss the oppor­tu­nity to dig deeper and find out the rea­sons behind her deci­sions and actions, how things make her feel and what her actions tell you about her per­son­al­ity and values.

This kind of infor­ma­tion is gold when it comes to estab­lish­ing a real connection. You can get to know a girl sur­pris­ingly well and in a very short time by keep­ing the fol­low­ing three ques­tions in mind when­ever she shares new infor­ma­tion about herself:

  • How does that make her feel?
  • Why would she do that?
  • What type of per­son does that?

For exam­ple, imag­ine a girl you meet telling you that she moved to the U.S. to become a dancer.

Most guys would find that inter­est­ing, but then go on to ask her some­thing mun­dane like if she likes the U.S., com­pletely miss­ing the oppor­tu­nity to engage her in a con­ver­sa­tion about her emo­tions and moti­va­tions, which is what women love talk­ing about more than anything.

By keep­ing the above three ques­tions in mind you might say some­thing like, “Wow. That’s really brave and adven­tur­ous of you. I bet leav­ing your coun­try was excit­ing, but it must have also been scary for you. How did it make you feel leav­ing your fam­ily and friends behind to pur­sue your danc­ing career here in the U.S.?”

Can you see how this kind of a response would result in a more engag­ing con­ver­sa­tion than, “So, do you like the U.S.?”

I sim­ply ask myself what her mov­ing to the U.S. to become a dancer tells me about her emo­tions, moti­va­tions and char­ac­ter traits. I then engage her in a con­ver­sa­tion to explore these ideas in more depth.

  • By ask­ing myself “How does that make her feel?” and imag­in­ing myself in her sit­u­a­tion I assume she must have felt a mix of excite­ment (at the new oppor­tu­ni­ties), lone­li­ness (leav­ing friends and fam­ily behind) and fear (of fail­ure and the unknown) etc.
  • By ask­ing myself “Why would she do that?” I take a guess at her moti­va­tions, which I could ask her about directly. Per­haps she has lim­ited oppor­tu­ni­ties in her home coun­try, per­haps she is try­ing to earn money to help sup­port her fam­ily, or per­haps she’s pur­su­ing a life­long dream of becom­ing a pro­fes­sional dancer. All of these things make much more per­sonal and inter­est­ing con­ver­sa­tion than a yes/no answer about whether she likes the U.S..
  • By ask­ing myself “What type of per­son does that?” I try to uncover her per­son­al­ity traits. As a dancer I might assume that she’s expres­sive, cre­ative and com­mit­ted. She is prob­a­bly also adven­tur­ous and ambi­tious (mov­ing abroad to pur­sue her career). By explor­ing these ideas in my con­ver­sa­tion with her I give her the oppor­tu­nity to open up and con­nect with on a per­sonal and emo­tional level.

Even if you’ve never been in a sim­i­lar sit­u­a­tion to the one she describes, it’s not that hard to relate to what another per­son might feel because we all share the same basic set of emotions.

Clos­ing Thoughts

I hope this post has given you some help­ful ideas on how to talk to a girl to quickly estab­lish an emo­tional con­nec­tion and build last­ing attrac­tion. These tips can be used to talk to girls at par­ties, bars, in cof­fee shops, at the gym or wher­ever you like. Discover the power of these sug­ges­tions for your­self the next time you talk with a girl you like and be sure to let me know how you get on in the com­ments below.

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About Tyler Duncan

I'm not naturally good with women. Most of what I know I learned the hard way. I know how it feels to be too shy to approach, to get stuck in the "Friend Zone" and have girls flake on me. Check out this embarrassing post about How I Got My First Slap →

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