Do you suffer from extreme approach anxiety? You know, you see a beautiful girl who you’d love to meet, but instead of approaching her you chicken out and make excuses like:
- The timing isn’t right
- What will people think?
- I’m probably not her type
- She probably has a boyfriend
If this sounds familiar, don’t worry you’re not alone. Almost every man in the world has two fears: a fear of judgement and a fear of death. Our fear of judgement is the source of approach anxiety. For some men the mere thought of approaching a beautiful woman is enough to get their heart rate up and fill them with dread.
This fight-or-flight response was very helpful for humans back in the day when we wanted to avoid being eaten by hungry predators, but in modern life it can get in the way of us having fulfilling relationships with beautiful women. In this post I’ll share a few techniques for dealing with extreme approach anxiety from the insightful and entertaining book, Day Bang by RooshV.
Approach Anxiety is Helpful in Small Doses
A quick disclaimer before we dive in. Don’t expect to overcome your approach anxiety completely. Your goal should be to reduce high anxiety to low or medium anxiety. You want to get to point where you’re slightly nervous to approach, but not afraid of women.
High anxiety reduces performance, however a small amount of nervous energy is helpful. It can motivate you into taking positive action and it’ll keep you on your toes making what you’re doing a conscious and thoughtful process.
Any goal worth striving for must stir your emotions a little. The fact is that you should be slightly nervous when approaching a beautiful girl. That’s how you can tell if it’s worth approaching or not. If you feel a bit of tension in your chest from an increased heart rate, then it’s time to push excuses aside and make the approach.
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Overcome Approach Anxiety With a “Rejection Mindset”
Approaching beautiful women is intimidating and your fears are perfectly normal. Most men wouldn’t dream of cold approaching while sober. The good news is that you have an adaptable brain that can be trained to deal with approach anxiety.
Counterintuitive as it sounds, adopting a “rejection mindset” can be helpful to reduce extreme approach anxiety to medium or low anxiety. A rejection mindset is where you imagine the absolute worst-case scenario, accept it in your mind and then pluck the courage to make the approach anyway.
Do this often enough and you’ll soon discover that approaching women is nowhere near as bad as you imagined. With each approach you’ll gain more experience and conversational practice, and you’ll soon start feeling less anxious and enjoy more success with women.
Here’s an example of a rejection movie you might play in your head before approaching a beautiful girl in a crowded coffee shop…
Imagine This Worst-Case Scenario:
You pluck up the courage to walk up to a nearby table and strike up conversation with an attractive girl. Your words are followed by a long silence. Then she points at you in disbelief and bursts into condescending laughter.
You’ve been blatantly rejected!
Worse than that, everybody seated at nearby tables starts staring at you. People start whispering to each other and point over to you. A few girls start giggling to each other about your failure. One guy is laughing so hard that he has to wipe tears from his eyes.
Your heart is pounding. Your knees are weak. Your palms are sweaty and you feel beads of sweat oozing from your forehead. Your mind goes completely blank and you stand there completely lost for words. You can feel the blood rushing into your cheeks.
You’re absolutely humiliated!
One heartless teenager pulls out his phone and starts filming you as you stand there in front of her stuttering and fidgeting, hopelessly trying to salvage the situation. In a few minutes his video clip will go viral on YouTube with the headline: “Loser Gets Rejected Trying to Pick Up Hot Babe at Coffee Shop.”
Meanwhile she’ll update her gazillion Facebook friends and Twitter followers about what a loser you are. Then she’ll call up her closest friends to gossip in excruciating detail about your creepy pick up attempt, and how she shot you down.
You have no pride left to salvage, so you turn and hurry towards the door. In your haste you bump into someone and you hear a tray crash to the floor behind you. As you rush out the door, you can feel a full roomful of eyes glued to the back of your head as the gasps and laughter fade behind you.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”
You swear repeatedly and you feel like burying your head in the ground with shame. You vow never, ever to set foot in that coffee shop again and even contemplate moving to different city, where nobody knows you.
Convinced that you’re destined to a celibate life of loneliness, you tell yourself that all women are stuck-up bitches and that sex is overrated anyway.
I know it’s not the kind of movie in which you want to play the starring role, but here’s the thing…
By playing this worst-case scenario movie in your head and making the approach anyway, you’ll soon realize that the worst never happens. Not even close, trust me on this. The most likely outcome is that a girl politely ends a conversation with you.
Let me repeat that: in most of your approaches, a girl will nicely end the chat by continuing to do what she was doing before you started talking to her. Pretty brutal, huh? Even if things don’t go smoothly and your ego takes a nuclear hit, you’d be no closer to dying than you were a few minutes ago. In fact in a matter of days you’ll pretty much forget what happened and life will go on.
Attract beautiful girls without phony routines,
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How Does This Relate to Fight Club?
Think about that scene in Fight Club where members are challenged to go out and pick a fight with someone. If you remember getting into a fight turns out to be much harder than one might expect because most people don’t want to make a unnecessary scene.
Rejection is similar. No man can be everything to every woman. So, sure you’ll get rejected, but it’ll never be as bad as you think and each rejection will put you closer to success. Closer to finding that beautiful girl who likes your vibe. The law of averages says so, and it’s a law because it’s the truth.
Assignment to Desensitize Yourself to Rejection
The faster you get rejected the better. Commit right now to making at least 30 approaches within the next 30 days. The more approaches you make on a single day, the faster your skills will develop, the quicker you’ll get over your approach anxiety, and the sooner you’ll be sharing a bed with a beautiful woman.
After a few dozen approaches you’ll start to feel more comfortable talking to women. Sure you’ll be nervous at times, but you’ll no longer be afraid. When you get to this point, you’ll want to move from visualizing failure to visualizing success, but not before. You risk being demotivated if you visualize success too early when you’re still feeling overwhelmed by approach anxiety.
Don’t try to shortcut the learning process by skipping the worst-case rejection movie because it will help desensitize you to approaches. Keep adapting the movie to the environment you’re in, run it through your head, take a deep breath and make the approach. High anxiety must be addressed before you can concern yourself with getting laid.
It’s Easier Said Than Done
Now don’t get me wrong here. I know all too well that it’s much easier said than done, but you simply have to put yourself out there and be prepared to fail in order to achieve success. There is no way around it. And just because an attractive girl doesn’t want to sleep with you, it doesn’t mean your value is low.
In the grand scheme of things one approach is nothing but a grain of sand on a large beach, so don’t give it more importance than it deserves. It’s just a chat with a random girl who most likely isn’t even your type. So play your movie, take a deep breathe and approach!
People do it everyday, they talk to themselves… they see themselves as they’d like to be, they don’t have the courage you have, to just run with it. - Tyler Durden
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