Top Reasons Why Women Flake and How to Reduce Flake Out

Tired of being flaked on?

How to reduce your flake out

Flak­ing out is when a woman gives you her con­tact details, but then doesn’t respond to your mes­sages, goes cold after a few exchanges, or doesn’t show up on a date. 

One moment she seems really into you and you’re excited about the prospect of a hot date, and then sud­denly her attrac­tion fiz­zles out and you’re left won­der­ing what on earth went wrong.

You might have even arranged a date and after 20 min­utes of anx­iously wait­ing for her she texts you with, “Sorry, can’t make it…” Boom! You’ve been flaked on.

All that time and effort, wasted. Sure, you want to believe what­ever excuse she has for why she couldn’t show up, but deep inside you feel dis­re­spected and treated like a sucker.

Nobody is immune to flake out, so don’t beat your­self up when this hap­pens to you. The best you can do is reduce your flake out rate by under­stand­ing some of the main rea­sons women flake and improve your seduc­tion skills by mak­ing more approaches.

Women Flake Out For Any Num­ber of Reasons

I know it’s frus­trat­ing when you get flaked on, but try not to take it too per­son­ally. Remem­ber that woman flake out for any num­ber of rea­sons, that often don’t have any­thing to do with you:

  • She could be expe­ri­enc­ing some kind of “buy­ers remorse.” She may have lost her enthu­si­asm for what seemed like a good idea at the time, think­ing that she doesn’t know you well enough.
  • Maybe she has a boyfriend she didn’t men­tion. While she felt flat­tered at the atten­tion you gave her, she might now be hav­ing sec­ond thoughts about jeop­ar­diz­ing her relationship.
  • Per­haps she’s busy and the ini­tial excite­ment she felt at the prospect of going out with you has faded as her lifestyle has got­ten in the way.
  • Maybe she’s just not feel­ing adven­tur­ous enough. Men are not the only ones who get ner­vous about relationships.
  • Per­haps she was under the influ­ence of alco­hol when she met you and doesn’t remem­ber you well enough.
  • Maybe she is sick and bed rid­den, or she got in a freak acci­dent and is in the hospital.
  • Or it could be that she has per­sonal issues going on in her life.
  • Or any other num­ber of rea­sons known only to her…

The point is that flakes hap­pen to every­one, so get used to it. There are sim­ply too many things going on in most attrac­tive women’s lives to fig­ure out why each one flakes. You’re bet­ter off adopt­ing the atti­tude of “It’s not a big deal” and mov­ing on.

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The #1 Rea­son Why Women Flake Out

Per­haps biggest cause of flake out in women that you have con­trol over is that not enough com­fort and rap­port was gen­er­ated before ask­ing for her con­tact details. Either you bailed out of the con­ver­sa­tion too early, or you started to appear too inter­ested and needy, result­ing in a loss of attraction.

Remem­ber that often a woman will give you her num­ber even if she has no inten­tion of ever see­ing you again. It’s sim­ply more com­fort­able for women to ignore calls from guys than to reject every guy to their face. So the most effec­tive way to reduce flake is to make sure you gen­er­ate com­fort and rap­port before ask­ing for her num­ber

The #2 Rea­son Why Women Flake Out

The sec­ond biggest rea­son why girls flake is that too much time has passed between the ini­tial and sub­se­quent con­tacts. So if you have a great con­ver­sa­tion with a woman, don’t wait more than a day or two before call­ing or mes­sag­ing her or you risk los­ing momentum.

You want the excite­ment of your con­ver­sa­tion to be fresh in her mem­ory and not some­thing she’d long for­got­ten about. Also, if you wait too long she might assume that you’re not really that into her or she might meet some­one else.

One approach would be to send her a sim­ple text like “Hey Kelly, I enjoyed meet­ing you” within the first 24 hours of get­ting her num­ber. Most girls who are really inter­ested will respond to that. From there wait another day to start a text con­ver­sa­tion try­ing to ref­er­ence some­thing from your orig­i­nal con­ver­sa­tion to keep some con­ti­nu­ity and then ask her out.   

How Often to Expect Flak­ing Out

In his book From Shy to Social Christo­pher Gray sug­gests that if you prac­tice con­fi­dent and engag­ing con­ver­sa­tion with women and build rap­port within the first min­utes, the odds of get­ting a woman’s email or tele­phone num­ber is about one in five. Of those approx­i­mately four in five women will flake out.

This means that of the five women that gave you their con­tact details, one will be will­ing to com­mu­ni­cate exten­sively after the ini­tial inter­ac­tion, so the true suc­cess rate is one in twenty-five approaches.

Don’t let these num­bers put you off because the odds are not as bad as they sound when you con­sider that you’re approach­ing women out of the blue, some of whom have boyfriends, or some other per­sonal rea­son for not dating.

Also remem­ber that these are women you are choos­ing, whose phys­i­cal appear­ance, age, style, and demeanor appeal to you. At the end of the day it’s a num­bers game and flakey women are an inevitable part of the equa­tion.

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What to Do If She Starts Flaking

  • It’s impor­tant not to come across as needy so if a woman stops answer­ing your mes­sages, imme­di­ately drop lev­els of invest­ment on your side and don’t pur­sue her as hard. 
  • Don’t be too quick to sug­gest another date if she makes an excuse for the first one. Take your time in reply­ing and keep it sim­ple like “ok, cool” then let it rest before ping­ing her again out of the blue for a sec­ond try.   
  • Only ever ask a girl out twice. If she is still non-committal after the sec­ond time you ask her, she’s prob­a­bly not inter­ested so focus your energy on some­one else. You could also put the onus on her to get in touch with you if she wants to catch up sometime. 

How to Reduce Your Flake Out Rate

Flakey girls are a part of life, but by increas­ing the num­ber of approaches you make you’ll reduce your flake out rate. As you get more prac­tice and your approach anx­i­ety lessens it will become eas­ier to estab­lish rap­port and make a strong impres­sion when you first meet.

Most impor­tantly, your own increased com­fort level will lead to longer (and bet­ter) con­ver­sa­tions. Remem­ber, a woman’s com­fort level and her ini­tial attrac­tion to you are para­mount in reduc­ing flake out. Talk­ing to girls on the phone or via text should basi­cally just be about arrang­ing logis­tics or res­ur­rect­ing leads.  

Clos­ing Thoughts

I know how shitty it feels when you get your hopes up only to be let down. You pull out your phone every five min­utes check­ing to see if you missed her message. The worst thing about it is that you often don’t know where you went wrong.

The dat­ing game can be tough, so when this hap­pens to you don’t take it too per­son­ally. Just accept that chances are if she liked you enough, she’d find a way to make things happen. Don’t waste any more of your time, take a hint and move on.

Most impor­tantly, don’t be dis­cour­aged. Remem­ber that more women you approach the more suc­cess you’ll have. 

P.S. — Seduc­tion guru Car­los Xuma shares a cool trick for find­ing out if a woman is going to flake on a date. This tip could save you tons of time and money wasted on the wrong woman. Watch the “Flake Detec­tor” video here.

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About Tyler Duncan

I'm not naturally good with women. Most of what I know I learned the hard way. I know how it feels to be too shy to approach, to get stuck in the "Friend Zone" and have girls flake on me. Check out this embarrassing post about How I Got My First Slap →


  1. Women want what they can’t have and then when they can have it, they don’t want it.. Makes a whole lot of sense to me.. These beau­ti­ful crea­tures are just to damn emo­tion­ally unsta­ble.. I’ve learned instead of chas­ing them, I get them to chase me by not being needy, clingy, jeal­ous. I’ve learned to have a life other than a women and develop the traits of an attrac­tive man and so far I am start­ing to see signs that this is work­ing.. Still a work in progress as far as smooth con­ver­sa­tion goes but I’ll get there.

    Thanks for your tips..


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